EXCLUSIVE: Dwight’s original list of VP demands

Friday, May 16th, 2008 | 51 comments
  • From now on, the National Anthem will be replaced with Van Halen’s “Panama.”
  • My current employer, Michael Scott, has asked for an advisory position, a la Karl Rove. I am not adverse to this; however, it is not a deal-breaker. The rest of my coworkers are to be placed in an internment camp. And the entire city of Scranton should be surrounded by a wall and converted into a futuristic prison.
  • I want to see an eagle fight a falcon. Whoever survives is our nation’s mascot.
  • No more tours of the White House. I distrust schoolchildren.
  • All pictures of Abraham Lincoln are to be removed. He is creepy.
  • J.K. Rowling should be required by law to write a new Harry Potter book. If she refuses, I advise torture.
  • All of the above items are negotiable. Except for the flamethrower. Basically, if you get me a flamethrower, I’m on board.

In conclusion, I consider it an honor and a privilege to serve the American people. I will display complete loyalty to my President. I will take a bullet for him and even provide a quality foot massage. But if, say, Barack Obama values that loyalty more highly … I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. Make me an offer. And America — at 3 a.m., when the phone rings in the White House … I won’t even hear it. I’m an extremely sound sleeper. Vote Schrute!

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant President in Pending

Cc: Michael Scott, John McCain

Pages: 1 2 3

Posted in: OfficeTally Exclusives, Rainn Wilson

51 comments


Pages: [3] 2 1 » Show All


  1. 51. Mimi  Wed. Jun. 11, 2008 | 9:53am

    I need that shirt! any idea if they sell it? I love JAM but the Assistant President is H I L A R I O U S!


  2. 50. Receptionist  Wed. Jun. 4, 2008 | 2:28pm

    How funny that he cc’s Michael Scott. Wonder what Michael would say to this. For Dwight’s full list, click pages 2 and 3. Otherwise you are missing the joke. Go Dwight - Assistant (to the) President!!!


  3. 49. cousin mufasa  Sat. May. 31, 2008 | 4:15am

    thanks tobester. you see i slept over at a friend’s the other night and forgot my contacts.


  4. 48. Tobester  Fri. May. 23, 2008 | 12:43am

    mufasa look under the article, there are 3 pages, you’ll see: Pages 123. click the numbers


  5. 47. cousin mufasa  Wed. May. 21, 2008 | 11:16am

    augh, did i miss it or something? someone…anyone?


  6. 46. hannah  Tue. May. 20, 2008 | 3:21pm

    lol. AWESOME! if only dwight was running mate of another candidate….then he would be in (at least with me! even tho i’m not voting age :P)

    oh, dwight. you are the best, my man.

    more tee shirts! i want one!!


  7. 45. cousin mufasa  Tue. May. 20, 2008 | 11:14am

    I don’t seem to see the original list everyone’s talking about. Help, please?


  8. 44. ClassicTransAM  Sun. May. 18, 2008 | 7:48am

    Dwight’s Secret Service should be armed with cross-bows also. Hopefully the White House has enough room for a large collection of Armoires and his Terrarium.

    I need that t-shirt!

    Vote Schrute!!!


  9. 43. OssoBucco  Sat. May. 17, 2008 | 11:11pm

    WOW. Thanks so much for sharing this hilarious list with us, Rainn.


  10. 42. Mollie  Sat. May. 17, 2008 | 3:28pm

    I HAVE to have that t-shirt! where can I buy it?


  11. 41. Kell  Sat. May. 17, 2008 | 2:19pm

    Thank you, Rainn for emailing this to us Tallyheads! How cool!


  12. 40. Fig Newton  Sat. May. 17, 2008 | 1:08pm

    #37 I agree 100%!!!


  13. 39. Kenna  Sat. May. 17, 2008 | 7:05am

    I loved this when Rainn read it on The Tonight Show, and it was great to read the “extended version.” Hilarious! How nice of Rainn to email it in for us!

    And add me to the group who MUST have one of those Tshirts.


  14. 38. VolunteerSheriff'sDeputy:)  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 10:34pm

    i think this is funnier than what he read!


  15. 37. waffle117  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 7:58pm

    #26–littlestitious–Rainn apparently writes the stuff on Shrute Space by himself. So, I’m assuming that he wrote this as well! (at least I hope he did)! And I agree with you that he should be a writer on the show! This was absolutely amazing!!

    The part with the J.K. Rowling bit made me howl with laughter! I completely agree with him!! What is the world without Harry Potter or The Office?! It’s a world that I don’t want to be a part of, that’s what it is! Am I right or am I right?!

    Thanks Rainn and Tanster!!


  16. 36. Kshu  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 7:56pm

    Assistant to the President


  17. 35. Koos  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 2:47pm

    I love the Harry Potter part!


  18. 34. ok2bconfused  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 2:34pm

    Now I wish this was serious because I’m totally for the J.K. Rowling requirement… even though she lives in the UK and therefore out of the USA’s jurisdiction. Maybe Assistant-President Shrute would use his convincing tactics (from “Did I Stutter?”) against Gordon Brown.


  19. 33. JaneD  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 2:10pm

    “Assistant President in Pending” and “Cc: Michael Scott, John McCain” (note that McCain is second!)—the funniest lines of this entirely too funny list.

    Thank you for posting this and huge thanks to Rainn for writing and sharing.


  20. 32. jkrasislove  Fri. May. 16, 2008 | 2:07pm

    thank you! i love this list.

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