After a nearly two-month hiatus, Dwight’s back with some rather detailed funeral arrangements. For himself. For the future.
I am no longer calling SchruteSpace a “blog”. It is now being called by its un-compacted name “web log”.
Welcome to my web log.
When I die, here’s how I want my funeral.
I would like Michael Scott to fashion my coffin from Dunder Mifflin paper boxes and duct tape. My pillow will be the cushion from my chair (product # 497 –A8).
I want it to be 6’8” long and 3’ wide with ventilation holes in case I come back to life for some reason.
I would like to be buried with several things.
1) My lover’s cat and/or my lover
2) My bobblehead
3) A cd of the Grassroots “Golden Grass” as well as anything by White Zombie
4) Michael Scott’s hair lock
5) My 2005 Pennsylvania State Fair prize winning beet “The Governator”
6) My spud gun
7) My lover’s Bible
8) My album of sales awards, high school diploma, 2 year Associates degree in Business, business cards
9) Death certificate
I would like Michael Scott to make a graveside speech. In it he should mention a few things, such as:
“Dwight Kurt Schrute was the best assistant regional manager I will ever have.”
“I loved this man more than Andy or Jim or Pam.”
(note: he does not have to include ‘Jan’ in said speech.)
I would like Mose to play Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue” on his whirligig.
Cold beet salad with Venison and mustard greens will be the menu. All will enjoy.
I want Jim to get on his knees and beg my forgiveness and while he’s in mid cry Mose will hit him in the back of his head with an oar.
Please make sure these specifications are followed to the letter or I will come back from the grave and haunt each and every reader of this web log. AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
In all sincerity that is all,
Dwight K. Schrute