Michael is gone. Deangelo is probably dead. Jim is an unaspiring slacker. Andy is an inept salesman. Darryl is a snob. Who does that leave as Acting Manager? Me: Dwight K. Schrute. And if Jo wants me to “act” like a manager, then she will get exactly that. And I’m going to do such a good job that she’ll want no one else to reign as permanent manager. I’ve rendered several new rules to raise efficiency around here, and I expect you all to adhere. If you have an issue, take it to the man in charge. Oh wait… that would be ME! I’m grinning vindictively right now. I wish you could see it. Don’t worry, I just took a photo.
-Every morning and every evening, you will punch into the old time clock near reception. Yes I realize the slot is about the size of a finger, but it’s not scary; it’s vintage. Mose picked it up from the Antiques Roadshow, and aside from helping me keep track of you loafers, I think it brings a lot of industrial charm to the office.
-On that same note, the day will now commence at 8AM rather than 9AM. This is a paper company, not a Rocks for Jocks class.
-Old Glory will be displayed, and we will recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily.
-You will each be issued new business cards. They will be massively oversized to make a statement and will boast your new titles, “Junior Employee” (which I think we can all agree is more accurate).
-Lunch breaks will be staggered to waste less time.
-Everyone will receive a distinct 21-digit copier code, unique to you.
-A new color-coding system will be in place: red-urgent, green-emergency, yellow-critical, and black-priority. All files will have one of these four colors.
-As you’ve read already, coffee costs fifty cents (honor system). Coffee beans don’t grow on trees, they grow on bushes and they’re expensive to import.
-No cell phones.
-No conference room meetings.
Thanks! You guys are the best :)