OfficeTally

Written by: Jennifer Celotta

Summary (from NBC): When Dwight finds half a joint in the parking lot, he launches an official investigation. Pam issues a challenge to Jim and he does his best to follow through with it.

Favorite quotes

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.

Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Dwight: Let’s go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving. Inattentive. Dull. Constantly snacking. Shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin (after what seems to be an eternity): Hey …

Dwight: I like the people I work with generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.

Jim (impersonating Stanley): I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Pam: Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he’ll look up at me from his desk and he’ll just be someone else. Like he’ll go, um (does an impression herself, and laughs). That’s supposed to be Phyllis. I can’t do it as good as he can.

Kelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I’m so small, and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court, so I said, is it okay if I sip it? And they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapour Story Hour!

Dwight: Your ass is on the line, mister!

Dwight: I didn’t know that you were at a party Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight: Okay, I’m going to need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don’t make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What’s the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell the police officer — I know several — what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan (barely containing his glee): Yeah, let’s do it that way.

Michael: Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot, you know? You’re totally harshin’ the office mellow.

Michael (while fake coughing): Narc!
Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me, you have done a very good job.

Michael: Dude, where’s my office? I totally lost it! Cause I was half-baked, smoking doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smoking doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest.

Ryan: I don’t think Michael’s ever done drugs. I don’t know if anyone’s ever offered him any.

Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five, to attend his great grandmother’s funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He’s a potential drug mule.

Dwight: Have you ever pooped a balloon?

Creed: That is Northern Lights cannibus indica.
Dwight (sighing with disappointment): No. It’s marijuana.

Jim: I’m just saying that you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you.
Dwight: That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: Well how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That’s not how it works.
Jim: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I’m interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I’d be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? (Dwight looks flabbergasted.)

Jim (impersonating Stanley): Why do you keep CCing me on things that have nothing to do with me?

Stanley: I do not think that is funny.

Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk, until he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.

Pam: Sold out! That has never happened in the history of Jinx!

Michael: Two night ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act, this beautiful girl sits down next to me, and I never get to meet girls with lip rings, and she had one. I don’t know exactly how this happened, but one of her friends started passing around some stuff, and they said that it was clove cigarettes, and I’m sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Dwight: It has to be official, and it has to be urine.

Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine?
Kevin: I’m not taking Rogaine.
Dwight: Angela, what about you?
Angela: I don’t take any prescription drugs.
Dwight: You’re not on … anything? (Angela gives him the look.) Good. (Oscar and Kevin both look at Dwight, then look at Angela.)

Michael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. I am so anti-drug, that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.

Michael: Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn’t smoke pot.

Michael: This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.

Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No I don’t. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week for the antioxidants.

Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.

Michael: Pam, could you take this down? (Pam shows her empty hands.)

Pam: WOW! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying! Did not expect that.

Michael: Urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it.
Dwight: Not my urine.

Dwight: Hi Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy.
Linda (shaking head): We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: I’m all better.

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela: You’re not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight: I know that. Don’t you think I know that?

Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.

Dwight: My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name? Dwide Schrude. Amish.

Dwight: I love my father, very much. Every morning, he’d wake up at dawn, and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little, my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it. He didn’t tell me ’til years later, and I was shocked when I found out.

Pam: Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can’t for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything.

Kevin: I’d like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I’d still like one.

Michael: I passed the test, thanks to you and your untainted pee.

Dwight: How many orange traffic cones do you have?

Jim: Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine, and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don’t get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

Tidbits

• Read more about Drug Testing in Jenna’s TV Guide blog and Angela’s MySpace blog!
• To hear Jenna Fischer talk about the hi/hey scene, click here, and go to around minute 28. I promise, you won’t be disappointed!
• Can you guess which scene from Drug Testing was improvised? Read Jenna’s blog to find out.
• Never heard of the game “jinx”? Here’s what Answers.com says:
  

  For kids, a “personal jinx” (often shortened to just “jinx”) is when two kids say something at the same time. If one of them calls “jinx”, the other one can’t say anything unless someone says his or her name (in another variation the name must be said thrice.). The penalty for violating this rule is a firm punch in the arm.

  As an alternative to the punch in the arm rule of the kids Jinx game, a Coca-Cola is often used as a bargaining chip. The coke is owed to the kid that yells “Pinch-Poke, You owe me a coke!” or sometimes just “Jinx with a Coke!” as soon as possible after stating the jinx. This kid then wins the game, and thus a coke.

• Read James’ Northern Attack recap.

Posted in The Office Season 2, The Office Quotes