W: Jennifer Celotta, D: Roger Nygard
Summary (NBC): After learning that the former regional manager has tragically died, Michael attempts to compel an appropriate show of grief from the Dunder Mifflin staff as he searches for the right way to honor a company man. Roy helps Pam duck out of the session. And in the Stamford office, Jim and Karen go on a hunt for snacks.
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Pam: The warehouse coffee tastes so much better.
Michael: I’m like Bette Midler in “For the Boys.” Gotta keep the troops entertained.
Michael: Attention everybody! I just received a call from Corporate with some news that they felt that I should know first.
Michael: Well I’ll be in my office, in case anybody wants to drop by. To cheer me up.
Michael: So’d you hear the news?
Pam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died?
Michael: He was almost seventy. Circle of life.
Andy (coughing): Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?
Karen: Damn it.
Jim: What’s up?
Karen: Oh nothing. I’m just out of Herr’s Chips.
Karen: But don’t worry about it. My snack food doesn’t fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Jim: Mmm, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m your project supervisor today, and I’ve just decided that we’re not doing anything, until you get the chips that you require. So I think we should go get some. Now, please.
Creed: It’s a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael: Yeah. Must really have you thinking.
Creed: About what?
Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chances you’re going to die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6, he slides under an 18-wheeler, pop, it snaps right off.
Michael: Oh my god.
Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You’re thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?
Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I’m sorry. Alone, out of the blue. And not even have his own head to comfort him.
Angela: Hi …
Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.
Angela: I do not want to talk about this.
Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died, and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Michael: I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.
Jan: I understand how you feel, Michael, I really do. So would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael: You really don’t get it, do you. You don’t understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want, is a day off.
Jan: Well, what would you suggest.
Michael: A statue.
Jan: Of Ed?
Jan: I’m not sure that’s realistic.
Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic. It would look just like him.
Jan: No, that’s not …
Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move …
Dwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot.
Michael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael: Life size.
Dwight: Mmm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop it if it turns on us.
Jan: What the hell are you two talking about?
Dwight: Look, I gave him a six-foot extension cord so he can’t chase us.
Michael: That’s perfect.
Jim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Karen: I am not a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Andy: Hey! What are we doing? What’s the game. I want in.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Oh the vending machines, how did we miss that?
Andy: Did you check your … butt.
Michael: WHAM! His capa is detated from his head!
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.
Michael: There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they’re all denying the fact that they’re sad. And that’s … hard. And it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.
Michael: I lost Ed Truck. And it feels like somebody took my heart, and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then, a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I’m crying, and nobody can hear me. Because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.
Pam: I was mainly focused on the cupholders.
Jim: What is my store number … six.
Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and um, we all took it really hard. All of us, kind of in the audience, of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Dwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He’s covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael: You can’t get diseases from a bird!
Michael: That is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we’re going to honor it.
Kelly (crying): I mean, how many times do I have to confirm plans with Ryan, for him to know we have a date tonight?
Michael: What is the matter with you? Is that the beak?
Dwight: I’m sorry. I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was re-buried in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.
Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I’d be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is going to turn into.
Ryan: When I was five, my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital. In the toilet. And it never came back, so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking, I’m a little too old for this. And I was five.
Pam: What do we know about this bird. You might think, not much, it’s just a bird. But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it’s that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.
Kevin: I remember that, that was so funny.
Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what, I don’t think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building. To spread his cheer, and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight: It’s not a songbird.
Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can’t help but notice that he was by himself when he died. But of course, we all know that doesn’t mean he was alone. Because I’m sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney. Because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.