The Office: Halloween, 2.05

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NOTE: for the newest Halloween posts, go to OfficeTally’s Halloween archive.

Writer: Greg Daniels, Director: Paul Feig

Summary (DVD): Michael gets spooked when he has to fire someone in order to save on costs, and Dwight is tricked — but excited — when his resume mysteriously appears on an Internet job site.

The Office Halloween extras

The Office Halloween quotes

Michael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go, today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael: Because it’s very scary stuff.

Dwight: What is that? What are you supposed to be?
Jim: I’m three-hole punch version of Jim. Cause you can have me either way — Plain White Jim, or Three-Hole Punch.
Phyllis: That’s great.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, well, look, what about me?
Phyllis: What are you? A monk?
Dwight: I’m a Sith lord. (Looking at Jim) Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to his shirt. This cost me $129.
Phyllis (under her breath): Ass.

Michael: Oh, look at you. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
Oscar: What are you implying?

Michael: Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly: Why is that?
Michael: Bend It Like Beckham.
Kelly: Oh, like the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael: Yeah. That would be perfect.
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, I guess I could do that. I don’t really play soccer or anything.
Michael: Well, I don’t really have two heads, so …

Pam: Okay, ‘greatest strength …’
Jim: Okay, okay …
Pam: ‘A dog-like obedience to authority.’
Jim: Nice.

Jim: Dwight is … special. But I don’t believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on, Google, craigslist … we’re really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state, um, preferably Alaska. Or India.

Michael (pretending to listen to his second head): What?
Dwight: Tell him, not Dwight.
Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Quiet, you!
Michael: I agree. He’d land on his feet.
Dwight: Make him be quiet.

Angela: Those aren’t chips and dip.
Pam: No, I made brownies. (Angela signs disapprovingly.) What?
Angela: I’m just trying to figure out why you’re sabotaging things.
Pam: I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.

Pam: I’m guessing Angela’s the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some … toothbrushes, pennies … walnuts.

Jim: Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Uh-huh, Dwight Schrute is amazing, yeah, no, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. You know what, I’m gonna tell you what — you hire Dwight K. Schrute, and he does not meet, nay, exceed, every one of your wildest expectations, well then you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. (Imitating Michael as he’s hanging up the phone) Okay, okay, okay-kay-kay-kay, okay.

Dwight: Cumberland Mills? And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no, I’m very flattered, don’t get me wrong. I’m just not sure that it’s my official resume or if it’s something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh, okay, I’m gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?

Dwight: Would I ever leave this company. Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m getting paid for here is my loyalty. But … if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Jim: Honestly, I don’t think Michael has the slightest clue of who he’s going to fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone’s gonna volunteer, uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what’s going to happen is, it’s going to be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.

Jim (pushing a tissue box toward Michael): I’m really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it’s purely budgetary, it’s not personal …
Michael: Aaahhhhhh! I’m going to kill myself!
Jim: Wow.

Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?

Pam: Um, I’m sorry … for pushing you toward Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. (They both laugh.)

Jim: That’s just a figure of speech, you know? “Blow your brains out”? Come on. All it really means is that we’re friends. And who else is she going to talk to if I’m gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn’t blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it’s double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.

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