The Office: Lice, 9.10

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The Office: Lice Meredith

Writer: Niki Schwartz-Wright, Director: Rodman Flender

Summary (NBC): The office is infested with lice — Pam accidentally brings lice into the office and lets Meredith take the fall, while Dwight vows to destroy the parasites. Meanwhile, Jim has a fantastic day in Philly wooing a potential business associate. Guest star: Julius Erving.

The Office Lice extras

The Office Lice rating

In a poll conducted January 10-14, 2013, Tallyheads rated this episode: 7.47/10

See all The Office Season 9 ratings.

The Office Lice quotes

Manually transcribed by tanster :)

Jim: How would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids, while she was go-karting with John Stamos?

Pam: People scratch their heads when they’re confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.

Erin: Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.

Angela: Did you not sign a pledge to shower?

Dwight: Lock the doors, we’re on full quarantine!

Dwight: Of all the vermin in God’s great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most.

Dwight: For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher, all because I had lice when I was 7.

Erin: This is the cleanest scalp I’ve ever seen.

Angela: This is an office. It’s not one of your bean bag orgies.

Oscar: Apparently, none of that’s protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.

Dwight: If you don’t hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

Pam: That is how wars get started. Fine, I’ll tell her it was me.

Dwight: Scalp leeches. Skull vampires. Follicle gypsies. Hair lawyers. One thing is clear: it’s kill or be killed!

Dwight: I’m not going to lie. Lye!

Meredith: Sha-boom! How you like me now?

Creed: Bald people make me sick.

Meredith: I’m the only one with the balls to show them lice who’s boss.

Erin: If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald.

Erin: You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby. But something sucked the life force out of it.

Meredith: I’ll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.

Kevin: I think he needs some hugs and maybe some chocolate cake.

Erving: Halpert’s got game!

Creed: Five dollar tip, you unclog my ears, okay?

Pete: We promised each other if we ever got lice, we’d buddy up.

Creed: Oh god. Stuck with the weirdo.

Angela: Who knows where those bugs will end up.

Nellie: Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you’ve never even worn. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, “You’re all you need!” One day, you’re alone, tired, at your feet, a dying bird. Where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because, in some strange way, it is you?

Kevin: I’m free, literally, forever.

Val: I was kind of feeling good re-entering the dating pool, and then Kevin asked me out.

Meredith: Shave. Her. Head!

Angela: She’s a monster.

Meredith: Who’s the one that didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pink-eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah, I BMed in the shredder on new year’s, but I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Dwight: I’m going to count down from 10. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple…

Erin: Wow. He got to purple.

Oscar: You’re waterboarding me!

Erin: You do kind of look like Elvis. But we should probably wash all the dead lice out.

Val: I believe in us.

Darryl: I’m back together with Val. Yay.

Dwight: Lice, if you are watching, I am ready for you, anytime, anywhere.

Meredith: Let’s go. You’re buying.

Meredith: I’m going to take that freak to bone town before the night is over.

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