Writer: Larry Wilmore, Director: Paul Feig
Summary: Michael is preoccupied with thoughts of Jan while doling out performance reviews to his staff. Disaster ensues when Jan attends a suggestion box meeting. Pam and Jim con Dwight to think it’s Friday.
The Office Performance Review extras
- Read about Performance Review in Jenna’s MySpace blog and Angela’s MySpace blog (no longer available)!
- Was anything improvised? According to Jenna Fischer’s MySpace blog, dated November 21, 2012, she says: “In ‘Performance Review’ when Michael is in the conference room reading the pages from the suggestion box, Angela tells him he has coffee breath. Steve improvised the line, ‘Oh yeah, is that hard for you?’ And then Angela improvised, ‘When you talk real close it is.'”
- The song that Dwight uses to pump himself up in the stairwell before his performance review is “Wild Side” by Motley Crue.
- Read James’ Northern Attack recap.
The Office Performance Review quotes
Dwight: Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Pam: It’s performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench press a hundred and ninety pounds. So I really don’t know what to expect.
Michael: Pam, you’re trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.
Michael: So she misses me.
Pam (with sweeping hand motion): She missed you.
Jim: Well I’m not asking for a raise. I’m going to actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: Then I win.
Jim: Today is Thursday. But, Dwight thinks that it’s Friday. And … that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.
Michael: Ah, Stanley, that is frickin’ brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley: Oh, it’s okay. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael: No kidding.
Stanley (to camera): It’s all about my bonus.
Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the Youth Beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Jan: Are the cameras in there with you?
Jan: Your office?
Michael: They are not. (Long pause.) Yes, they are.
Jan sighs and hangs up.
Michael (pointing to phone): That’s my girlfriend.
Kevin: I heard they made out and had sex.
Oscar: No, they just made out. That’s it.
Kevin: Well I heard they made out … and … had … sex.
Angela: Don’t talk about it. Office romances are nobody’s business but the people involved.
Michael: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do.
Kelly: You said constructive compliments. That doesn’t make any sense.
Michael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment. So maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions.
Jan: So are you still in the middle of the, the performance reviews then?
Michael: No no no, I finished all of that, very fast. Well, I’m not too fast, not like wham bam, thank you ma’am. But I do say thank you ma’am. But I’m, I’m not like wham bam. Not that there’s anything wrong with wham bam. Not if it’s consensual.
Jan: Please don’t smell me, Michael.
Dwight: I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night, what the hell was I thinking?
Creed: Uh, Michael, he wasn’t inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Angela: Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Michael: You know, is that hard for you? Alright, well, I’ll work on that.
Angela: Well, when you have coffee breath, it’s hard.
Dwight (reading suggestion): “Don’t sleep with your boss”? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
Dwight: Why are you going to give me this raise? Why? Because … I’m awesome!
Jan: Look, I know it’s your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I’m not going to discuss it with him, I am certainly not going to discuss it with you. (Holding up cigarette) Do you have a light.
Dwight: And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best, when he said, “Dad, you have no idea what I’m capable of.”
Jan: Michael, it has nothing to do with your looks, okay? It’s your, it’s your personality. I mean, you’re obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and, you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and, I don’t agree about the b.o, but you are, very, very inconsiderate.
Michael: So my looks have nothing to do with it.
Jan (sighs): God.
Michael: Never missed a day my ass.