OfficeTally

Written by: Greg Daniels, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant

Summary: We are introduced to the Scranton branch of the Dunder Mifflin paper company, and its feckless leader Michael Scott, where Ryan the temp arrives for his first day of work amidst layoff rumors.

Favorite quotes

Michael: Alright, done deal! Thank you very much sir, you’re a gentleman and a scholar. (Pauses) Oh I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, my mistake. That was a woman I was talking to. She had a very low voice, probably a smoker.

Michael: If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. Rawr!
Pam: What?

Michael People say I am the best boss. They go, god, we’ve never worked in a place like this before. You’re hilarious. And you get the best out of us. Um (holds up a mug that says “World’s Best Boss”), I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

Jim: My job is to … speak to clients, um, on the phone, about, uh, quantities, and uh, type of copier paper, you know, uh, whether we can supply it to them, whether they can uh … pay for it, and um, I’m, I’m boring myself just talking about this.

Michael: WAZZUUUUUP!
Jim: Wazzup … I still love that, after seven years.

Michael: Corporate really doesn’t interfere with me at all. Um, Jan Levinson-Gould, I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton, right? Not to her face, because uh, well not because I’m scared of her. Because I’m not. But um, yeah.

Michael: Me no get an agenda.

Pam: You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.

Michael: Alarm bells are kinda going, ringy dingy dingy!

Michael: Pack Man!
Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen.
Michael: Oh, that’s not, appropriate.
Todd Packer (on phone): Hey, is old uh Godzillary coming in today?
Michael: Um, I don’t know, I don’t know what you mean …
Todd: Look, I’ve been meaning to ask you one uh question … does the carpet match the drapes.
Michael: Oh my God. Oh … that’s … horrifying. Horrible, horrible … person.

Angela: I bet it’s gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin: Yeah, it’ll be you.

Pam: I have an important question for you.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: Um, are you going to Angela’s cat party on Sunday? (Laughs)
Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.

Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I’m not going to tell them, I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Pam: I don’t think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then, I might, I just, I don’t think it’s many little girls’ dream to be a receptionist. Um, I like to do illustrations, um, mostly watercolor, a few oil pencil, um, Jim thinks they’re good.

Dwight: One word, two syllables, demarkation.

Dwight: You can’t do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim (crossing fingers): We’ll see.

Dwight: Downsizing? Yeah I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. Even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Michael (impersonating the Six Million Dollar Man): Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta …

Michael: Come on, Six Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin!

Michael: I think I’m a role model here. I think I garner people’s respect. People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono, uh, and probably God, would be the fourth one. And I guess, I just think all those people really uh helped, the world, in so many ways, that it’s um, it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculcable.

Michael: Pam, um, maybe you should stick to the, the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Pam, information is power.

Michael: You can go mess with Josh’s people, but I’m the head of this family, and, uh, you ain’t gonna be messin’ wit’ my chilun’.

Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam’s favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.

Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow, he’s on to me. Um…(laughs)

Dwight: It’s okay here, uh, but people sometimes take advantage, because it’s so relaxed. I’m a volunteer sheriff’s deputy on the weekends, and you cannot screw around there. Sort of, one of the rules.

Jim (eating jello): How do you know it was me?

Michael: Oooh, discipline, kinky!

Jim: Dwight, I’m sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Ryan: You, ah, you should have put him in custardy.

Pam: Roy’s my fiance. We’ve been engaged about um, about three years. And uh, we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we’re going to get married in the spring.

Jim (after awkward conversation with Roy): Do I think … I’ll be invited to the wedding.

Michael: We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard.

Michael: I’m a friend first, and a boss second, probably an entertainer third.

Michael: Theft. And stealing.

Michael: You steal a thousand Post-It notes at fifty cents a piece, and you know, you’ve made a … profit … margin. You know, gonna run us out of business, Pam.

Michael: You’ve been X’d, punk! (Laughs) Surprise, it’s a joke! We were joking around, see? Okay, he was in on it, he was my accomplice. (Ryan slowly shakes his head in disbelief).

Pam: You’re a jerk!
Michael: Well, I don’t know about that.

Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow, is it the inventory, nuh-uh. It’s the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17 percent, or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No no no no no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke English. Came to me and said, “Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?” Wow, wow, wow. Didn’t work out in the end, we had to let him go, he sucked.

Deleted scenes

Angela: Oscar — how do I describe him. He’s like a … stapler. Do I need a stapler? — yes. But I’m still the one that has to push it down.

Tidbits

• The pencil scene (where Jim has lined up a bunch of pencils between his and Dwight’s desks) was shot out of sequence, filmed the last day of shooting, to replace the box scene, where Jim piles a bunch of boxes between their desks. (You can actually see the pile of boxes in a subsequent scene!)
• The meeting room scene, where Michael talks to everybody about downsizing, includes two women who are the actual accountants on the show.
• Rainn mentions that someone described the character of Dwight as a “fascist nerd.”
• B.J. says the crying scene was shot around 50 times.
• Read James’ Northern Attack recap.

Posted in The Office Season 1, The Office Quotes