The Office: The Alliance, 1.04

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The Office: The Alliance

Writer: Michael Schur, Director: Bryan Gordon

Summary (DVD): In an attempt to raise everyone’s dwindling spirits, Michael insists on planning a birthday party, even though the closest birthday is weeks away. As rumors of downsizing continue to circulate, Dwight suggests to Jim that they form a protective, strategic alliance.

The Office The Alliance quotes

Michael: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, “You’re fired.” (Impersonating Trump) “Yuh fi-yuhd … uh … yuh fi-yuhd.” He just makes people sad. And an office can’t function that way. No way. “Yuh fi-yuhd.” I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, “You’re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.” But that’s unrealistic, so …

Dwight: It’s a real shame, because studies have shown that more information gets passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because … I bring my own water to work.

Michael: No captain, no signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. (Chortles at his own joke) Star Trek.

Pam: How ’bout green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whorish.

Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.

Jim: At that moment, I was just … so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does, annoys me …

Jim: … and I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only ways that would get me arrested, and then here he comes, and he says, “No, Jim, here’s a way.”

Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: What does that even mean.
Jim: I think it has something to do with “Survivor,” but I’m not sure. (Pam laughs) Um…I know that it involves spying on people, and we may build a fort.

Michael: Generosity and togetherness and community all convalescesscens into … morale, that’s what I say, so …

Jim: That was beautiful. All her idea, too…awesome. She’s so … great.

Dwight: I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are … at vision.

Dwight: Can I trust Jim … I don’t know. Do I have a choice? — no, frankly, I don’t. Will I trust Jim, yes. Should I trust Jim … you tell me.

Michael: Y’know what, if I were allergic to dairy, I’d have to kill myself.

Michael: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year he walked 18 miles.
Michael: Son of a bitch … that is impressive, good for him.

Meredith (reading card): This is from Michael … “Meredith, let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”
Michael: Because of the downsizing … rumors. And because you’re getting old.
Meredith: No I … I get it.

Michael: I want it to be like, hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives? Um, well, I … I don’t know, it was anonymous. Guess what, that was Michael Scott. But … uh … it was anonymous, how do you know? Because I’m him.

Toby: Really, today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, happy birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: I could say something …
Ryan: Don’t … do that.

Deleted scenes

Dwight: Good. Excellent. And file sharing off. And … done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls, get all that installed on your computer.
Jim: No thanks.
Dwight: Stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I could become you (snaps fingers) like that. But no one can become me.
Jim: No one wants to be you, Dwight.
Dwight: Not true. And if they did, they couldn’t, because I’m password-protected.
Jim: What’s your password, “frodo”?
Dwight: No. (Changes password.)
Jim: Did you just change it to “golum”?
Dwight: No. (Changes password again, while Jim smiles to himself.)