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Writer: Paul Lieberstein, Director: Victor Nelli, Jr.
Summary: Somebody leaves a pile of poo in Michael’s office, leading him to take over Jim’s desk, terrorize the Accounting folks, and wreak general havoc.
The Office The Carpet extras
The Office The Carpet quotes
Ryan: Jim’s been looking at me, kind of a lot, all week, I would be creeped out by it, but, it’s nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible. And this year I got to … the third week in January.
Creed: Hey guys. Somebody making soup?
Ryan: (Laughing) It wasn’t me. (Calming down) Um, it wasn’t me. (Completely serious) It was not me.
Kelly: … so now, I’m doing this new thing, where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor, and I walk around the piles to get an outfit …
Kelly: Beyoncé, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome, snowcones …
Kelly: Omigod, he is so cute. Would you talk to him for me, and see if he likes me?
Jim: No, I don’t think I can …
Kelly: Oh please Jim, please please Jim, please please please, he’s so cute, I like him so much, and I would do it, but I’m too shy, please Jim, please please please, please Jim, please please please …
Darryl: What was that. Whatcha doing.
Roy: I think he’s dancing.
Michael: No, just …
Darryl (laughing): That was definitely not dancing.
Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael’s carpet. Maybe that’s all we need to know.
Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it!
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don’t know. Depends if you like a little junk in … um … she’s really cool.
Kelly: Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don’t tell him that, okay. Just tell him I’m like, up for anything. I mean I’m not a slut but, who knows?
Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael: I wasn’t talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse, happy? Why am I talking to you.
Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, uh no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.
Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the PHONE!
Packer: I’m looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael: Oh I’m just so sorry that I threw the thing out.
Pam Voicemail #1: Hey Jim, it’s Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you, and then Michael’s there, and it’s horrible. Anyway, I’m bored. Come BACK.
Pam Voicemail #2: Hey, guess what. I moved my computer so I can’t see Michael’s head. It’s working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.
Pam Voicemail #3: Sudoku. Level moderate. Time, 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.
Pam Voicemail #4: I’ll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please. Dunder Mifflin, this is … okay, sorry, Michael was standing at my desk and I needed to be busy or who knows what would have happened, so thank you.
Pam Voicemail #5: Hey, what’s that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.
Pam Voicemail #6: Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I’m not messing this up, so, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Pam Voicemail #7: Calling from my cell phone. I don’t know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael’s carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an interdepartmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.