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Writers: Gene Stupnitsky, Lee Eisenberg, and Michael Schur
Director: Greg Daniels
Summary (NBC): Oscar returns from vacation unsure on whether he still wants to be part of the office. Andy takes advantage of recent events to get closer to Michael. Jim turns to Karen and Pam for help to prank a new target.
The Office The Return extras
The Office The Return quotes
Dwight: For your convenience, I’ve broken it down into three parts — professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and … Dwight Schrute trivia.
Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words — hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.
Dwight: There’s nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
Andy (looking at Ryan): Big Turkey.
Andy: So here’s to the future. Andy and The Tuna.
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Andy: Addition by subtraction.
Michael: What does that even mean. That is impossible.
Michael: Addition by addition.
Kevin: Oh, hello Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar: That’s very funny.
Kevin: Yeah, I thought of that like two seconds after you left.
Andy: Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.
Andy: Well, then I’ll take that as a “maybe.”
Andy: Things are going pretty good. Getting a lot of face time with the boss.
Angela: Certain events have transpired, and I’ve thought about certain things, and I’m sorry for the way those certain events transpired, and I would just like to make some changes about certain things, and certain situations, and certain accountants …
Kevin: Can I join, too?
Pam: Oh that wasn’t the night crew. That was Dwight.
Andy: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow, seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person a little. Not super crazy, just … there’s something about him that creeps me out. I can’t really explain it. He’s always up in my bidness. Which is Ebonics for “being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.” I don’t understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
Michael: Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you. To me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar’s Mexicanity.
Michael: So Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers and a chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don’t you have me riding in on a donkey, into the office, like Pepe?
Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let’s get him one.
Dwight: I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now.
Jim: Encourage him? I’m the victim, okay? He’s fishing for me.
Karen: … each file is password-protected with a different mythical creature …
Jim: Party pooper.
Michael: Who’s that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv something. Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.
Jim: Hey, Ryan. Do you want to pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better as the temp.
Ryan: Me too.
Michael: Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley: Oh sure, we talk all the time.
Michael: Don’t do that. It’s not nice.
Phyllis: Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality, and a lot of times, when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.
Dwight: Have you heard of paper?
Staples Girl: It’s gonna be like that, huh?
Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Staples Girl: I don’t like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That’s all I got to say on the matter.
Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam: I’m kind of in the middle of … yes, please.
Andy: Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?
Andy: Where is my freaking phone?
Jim: You know what? Maybe it’s in the ceiling.
Andy: You know what? Maybe you’re in the ceiling!
Andy: I don’t trust you, Phyllis.
Andy: I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday: you, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell/Hofstra, slaughter. Then quick nap at my place, and we hit the tiz-own.
Michael: No. I don’t want to do any of that.
Andy: Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
Andy: That was an overreaction.
Dwight: That question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It’s your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man.
Michael: So maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight: I don’t want to do your laundry anymore.
Michael: We can talk about that.
Jim: Omigod. That’s half-inch drywall.
Pam: I think we broke his brain.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Angela: Welcome back.
Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You’re going to break it.
Karen: Do you still have feelings for her?
Michael: I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
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