Wendy’s Review: Cocktails

I am not a violent person, peeps. But when super-spy Sydney Bristow was still hunting bad guys each week on “Alias,” I secretly hoped for a chance to kick someone’s ass in a red wig and high heels, too. Say what you will about my violent tendencies back then, but I blame J.J. Abrams.

He directed this week’s episode of “The Office” and, as a result, cranked up the action meter on our friends in Scranton.

Jan and Michael take their top secret romance public at their CFO’s cocktail party. Some may think Jan’s exhibiting the obvious beginnings of a nervous breakdown. Michael shares gory details of their Jamaican vacation (who knew Jan could limbo!), while sidekick Dwight’s party conversations are equally appalling (“You know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces”).

Instead of “collapsing into herself like a dying star,” Jan collapses into a bathroom, begging Michael to slam her against the wall. When he refuses (because there is no place to cuddle), Jan learns a hard lesson — no means please don’t.

These two remind me of the Elizabeth Perkins and Tom Hanks characters in ‘Big’ — Jan is an adult who wants rough sex in dark corners, and Michael’s a little boy longing for ketchup fights and to giggle like schoolgirls. But I think they honestly recognize something fragile and damaged in each other. They are wrong on so many levels, and yet I find myself rooting for them. As Dwight says, they’re great together.

At the party, Karen tells Jim she’s basically dated every guy there. Before JAM fans can yell “Karen Fillipelli is a slut,” she tells Jim it was all a prank. He laughs, but I wonder if Karen noticed his lack of jealousy when he thought it was true.

Meanwhile, Pam “Don’t You Dare Call Her Pammy” Beesly has decided to be more honest about what she wants. She insists Roy “do boyfriend things” by coming to happy hour with her and her co-workers. All goes well until Pam drops one honesty bomb too many. She confesses to Roy that she kissed Jim on Casino Night and may have had feelings for him. Oops.

I must align myself with those who saw The Rage of Roy a-coming. The guy got a DUI after Pam dumped him. We’ve seen him act aggressive with Pam last season and with Jim in season one. David Denman does an awesome job of showing what a few beers and a confession like this does to Roy and I believed it. And from Pam’s reaction, they’ve been there before.

Kenny joining in was also telling. Those two quickly slipped into a routine that probably dates back to high school. Pam’s quiet reaction to this is heartbreaking and I question her real motives for telling Roy about Jim.

In classic J.J. Abrams form, we end on a major cliffhanger. Roy’s ominous “I’m going to kill Jim Halpert” sent chills down the spines of Office fans everywhere.

Will Pam warn Jim of impending danger before it’s too late?! Will Creed’s fake ID business reveal he’s really a CIA operative who can give Jim a new identity in Des Moines?!

Before you fear for Jim too much, remember that this is a sitcom. Though catching a few “Alias” reruns might not be a complete waste of his time.

“The Office” supposedly goes on a six-week hiatus before we learn Jim’s fate. I give it until week three before fans are echoing Jan’s painful question … “Why is this so hard?”

But that’s what she said … not me.