The Office: Drug Testing
Author: tanster
Description: When Dwight finds half a joint in the parking lot, he launches an official investigation. Pam issues a challenge to Jim.
Date: 2006-04-27T01:01:39-07:00

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Posted on April 27, 2006June 11, 2017 by tanster

# The Office: Drug Testing, 2.20

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Writer: Jennifer Celotta, Director: Greg Daniels

Summary (NBC): When Dwight finds half a joint in the parking lot, he launches an official investigation. Pam issues a challenge to Jim.

#### The Office Drug Testing extras

- Read more about Drug Testing in Jenna’s TV Guide blog and Angela’s MySpace blog!
- To hear Jenna Fischer talk about the hi/hey scene, click here, and go to around minute 28. I promise, you won’t be disappointed!
- Was anything improvised? According to Jenna Fischer’s MySpace blog, dated November 21, 2012, she says: “In ‘Drug Testing’ when Michael tells Pam to “write this down”, my response to the camera was improvised. I thought it was funny that I didn’t have a pad of paper but Michael was telling me to take notes so I just looked to camera and showed my lack of pen and paper.”
- Never heard of the game “jinx”? Here’s what Answers.com says:

  > For kids, a “personal jinx” (often shortened to just “jinx”) is when two kids say something at the same time. If one of them calls “jinx”, the other one can’t say anything unless someone says his or her name (in another variation the name must be said thrice.). The penalty for violating this rule is a firm punch in the arm.

  > As an alternative to the punch in the arm rule of the kids Jinx game, a Coca-Cola is often used as a bargaining chip. The coke is owed to the kid that yells “Pinch-Poke, You owe me a coke!” or sometimes just “Jinx with a Coke!” as soon as possible after stating the jinx. This kid then wins the game, and thus a coke.

- Read James’ Northern Attack recap.

#### The Office Drug Testing quotes

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.

Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Dwight: Let’s go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving. Inattentive. Dull. Constantly snacking. Shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin (after what seems to be an eternity): Hey …

Dwight: I like the people I work with generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.

Jim (impersonating Stanley): I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Pam: Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he’ll look up at me from his desk and he’ll just be someone else. Like he’ll go, um (does an impression herself, and laughs). That’s supposed to be Phyllis. I can’t do it as good as he can.

Kelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I’m so small, and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court, so I said, is it okay if I sip it? And they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapour Story Hour!

Dwight: Your ass is on the line, mister!

Dwight: I didn’t know that you were at a party Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight: Okay, I’m going to need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don’t make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What’s the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell the police officer — I know several — what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan (barely containing his glee): Yeah, let’s do it that way.

Michael: Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot, you know? You’re totally harshin’ the office mellow.

Michael (while fake coughing): Narc!
Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me, you have done a very good job.

Michael: Dude, where’s my office? I totally lost it! Cause I was half-baked, smoking doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smoking doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest.

Ryan: I don’t think Michael’s ever done drugs. I don’t know if anyone’s ever offered him any.

Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five, to attend his great grandmother’s funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He’s a potential drug mule.

Dwight: Have you ever pooped a balloon?

Creed: That is Northern Lights cannibus indica.
Dwight (sighing with disappointment): No. It’s marijuana.

Jim: I’m just saying that you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you.
Dwight: That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: Well how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That’s not how it works.
Jim: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I’m interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I’d be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? (Dwight looks flabbergasted.)

Jim (impersonating Stanley): Why do you keep CCing me on things that have nothing to do with me?

Stanley: I do not think that is funny.

Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk, until he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.

Pam: Sold out! That has never happened in the history of Jinx!

Michael: Two night ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act, this beautiful girl sits down next to me, and I never get to meet girls with lip rings, and she had one. I don’t know exactly how this happened, but one of her friends started passing around some stuff, and they said that it was clove cigarettes, and I’m sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Dwight: It has to be official, and it has to be urine.

Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine?
Kevin: I’m not taking Rogaine.
Dwight: Angela, what about you?
Angela: I don’t take any prescription drugs.
Dwight: You’re not on … anything? (Angela gives him the look.) Good. (Oscar and Kevin both look at Dwight, then look at Angela.)

Michael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. I am so anti-drug, that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.

Michael: Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn’t smoke pot.

Michael: This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.

Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No I don’t. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week for the antioxidants.

Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.

Michael: Pam, could you take this down? (Pam shows her empty hands.)

Pam: WOW! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying! Did not expect that.

Michael: Urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it.
Dwight: Not my urine.

Dwight: Hi Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy.
Linda (shaking head): We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: I’m all better.

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela: You’re not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight: I know that. Don’t you think I know that?

Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.

Dwight: My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name? Dwide Schrude. Amish.

Dwight: I love my father, very much. Every morning, he’d wake up at dawn, and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little, my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it. He didn’t tell me ’til years later, and I was shocked when I found out.

Pam: Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can’t for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything.

Kevin: I’d like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I’d still like one.

Michael: I passed the test, thanks to you and your untainted pee.

Dwight: How many orange traffic cones do you have?

Jim: Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine, and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don’t get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

Icon provided by Amanda.

## 46 comments

1. Can I just say that John Krasinski is a golden god? He is just so… amazing! I’m not sure anyone else could have pulled that episode off the way he did. Oh, and that “hi” after he bought that coke gave me butterflies. Man, its a good thing my husband isn’t home. He’d be jealous.

2. So probably one of the best episodes. Huge leaps for Jim and Pam. And someone honestly laughed at one of Michaels jokes about Dwight being a nark. The last line that Jim says is ironic, about “what is Dwight getting out of his relationship with Michael?” it makes you think about what is Jim getting out of his relationship with Pam.
   Also picturing Michael at an Alica Keys concert was too much to handle.

3. I agree that John K. was really good. Is it just me or it feels like every epiosdes are getting little shorter.

4. I wish Jim loved me. Swoon…

5. Watched it twice already. I’d rank it about 22nd out of the 26 episodes.

   Some good and ‘cutesy’ Jim/Pam stuff, but that was about it. None of the other storylines advanced.

   It’s 16th right now and I think it’s too high. Halloween, VDay, Daughters to Work…better episodes IMO.

6. Maybe it was the three weeks I had to wait for a new episode, but I thought this one was amazing. I loved the Jim and Pam interactions and I was hysterically laughing when Jim was fake crying. That was fantastic. And when Dwight asked Angela about taking any prescriptions…that was classic.

   But who dunnit?

7. Wow. That was an amazing episode. By far the funniest part was:

   DWIGHT: Angela, where were you after work yesterday?
   ANGELA: *does a sly smirk at Dwight*

   Gold!

8. That was the best episode ever. PB&J were so cute. And, the what is Dwight getting out of his relationship with michael comment is priceless because of how true it is of Jam. And, John K is amazing for the fake crying. And the scene where Pam is tormenting Jim because he can’t talk but has something important to say was so reminiscient of 27 seconds. How many seconds of silence were there in that one? Not many actually. But the look on Pam’s face as that scene ends is so great. I can’t wait for Conflict Resolution!!!
   J

   P.S. I’d like to comment that this was my first new episode since becoming a crazy office fan. (And since watching the entire series because I didn’t start watching on TV untl after the Booze Cruise) My parents were actually scared of how much I analyzed the episode.

9. It was the “Hi”…
   I feel like a school girl again — in love with Luke Perry on 90210.
   *sigh*

10. Are you kidding me?! Why is this episode ranked so low? It was great!

    I mean, yes it was a filler episode, but c’mon! Dwight interrogating Jim (or probably the other way around)? Jinx? Urine testing?!

    You people…grr.

11. I agree with you, Lauren. I thought this was a terrific episode. Jim’s “hi” to Pam, made me weak in the knees. I am going to go and rewatch it now… :-)

12. Luke Perry? I bet Luke Perry’s friends wouldn’t treat him like this.

13. I loved the show opening. And the show closing with Jim talking about Dwight and Michael’s relationship. Who am I kidding, I loved the whole show.

14. Michael: Urine is all over the place…
    Dwight: Not MY urine!

15. I almost blew my drink out of my nose when Michael said “You’re totally harshing the office mellow”. Funny!

16. Yeah go John K he ruled this episode! Impersonations and silence!

    One of my favorite parts was when Dwight was interrogating Angela and she just smiled at him.

17. I think this was one of the best episodes of the season. John did a fantastic job of acting without words. It was also great to see Pam really admit out loud that she needs to talk to Jim to get through the day. The “You can tell me anything” scene made me roll off the couch with excitement. And I agree with all of you that the sweetest moment to date is Jim’s “hi” after he buys the coke. I also loved when Michael asks Dwight “where’s your costume?”

    Funniest line:
    Kevin: “I want a magazine.”
    Urin lady: “We only need your urin, sir.”
    Kevin: “I want one anyway.”

18. I was wondering which quotes you’d pick. I was so happy to see such a long page of them! I think I’ve watched it 8 or 9 times already. There was just too much Jammy goodness. Rainn was brilliant!
    I think this was my fave ep so far.

    Of course, I think I always say that!

19. Hey! AWESOME job on the quotes! Ack last night was officially my favourite episode of the whole season.

    However, my favourite quote wasn’t posted. The snippet where Michael had a list of ‘drugs’ and one of them was Hookah and Toby told him it was just a water pipe.

    Hehe I love the office and this site!

20. Thanks, witchoo! There was a lot of good quotable stuff in this episode. :)

21. My boss and I love this show, we always laugh the next day about how funny it was. I used to live about 1/2 hr away from Scranton, where the show takes place!
    I loved when Michael mentioned how he accidentally may have gotten high at an Alicia Keys concert with a girl who had a lip ring………… I have skied on Montage mountain!

22. Thanks, Mitchestine! I will add your quote when I get home from work tonight. :)

23. i love this show. Dwight: My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name? Dwide Schrude. Amish.

    i laughed my ass off

24. Hahaha, I loved the quote from Creed.

    And of course Jim’s “Hi.”

25. Yes, Jim’s “hi” definitely made women swoon all over the country last night. :)

26. One of my favourite episodes so far. Jim saying “Hi.” was the most adorable JAM moment so far. Well that’s what I think anyways.

    Also, keep up the great work on the website. OfficeTally has quickly become one of my favourite sites, with its great coverage of all Office events. =D

27. I thought this was one of the better episodes, actually. :D Loved it. ^_^

28. I LOVE this episode, the drug story was entertaining but I was more interested in the JAM story. (Im a big JAM fan) I really felt a lot of sincere Jim/Pam connections in this one, very sweet!

29. Wow. This episode was GREAT! Dwight is sooo gross. “My urine was green.” Ick. The Jim and Pam moments were very precious.

30. What a great episode!! I’d have to put this in
    my top 5 for Season 2 episodes.

31. Oh, my God, I totally agree with you on the “hi”. I rewound it like 3 times just to hear him say it. I really, really hope that those two get together in the end. Though it’s kind of compelling in a twisted, weird way to see them apart and trying to get together.

    Great episode! The impressions from Jim were wonderful. John Krasinski really did a great job as Stanley!

    Crossing my fingers for the episode on iTunes!

32. Have you ever pooped a balloon?

    OMG

33. This episode was pretty funny.

34. Thought the tension between Jim and Pam was almost intolerable. I loved it. The “hi” made me come unglued.

35. Some of the most classic lines ever in this one.

    I hurt myself laughing a few times (no really. I have some stitches that are trying to heal. this show is dangerous.)

    “Have you ever pooped a balloon?”

    Dear God, he played this to the max.
    I would love to know if he ever cracks. Or if anyone cracks opposite him. Anyone who doesn’t laugh in the face of the volunteer deputy sheriff is a true professional.

36. Poor Jim can’t tell touching stories about drugs. :( Poor thing. What a great episode…!!
    “Thats not funny” -Stanley

37. Rainn totally seemed on the verge of laughing when he was “interogating” Kelly during her “Kelly Kapoor Hour” story telling. This episode seemed way too short, I’m not sure why…

38. Honestly, could this get any better. I love when Jim yells at Dwight, Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? and Dwights look on his face, OMG…. I could not stop laughing. I love Jim’s character… Come on Pam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

39. randomly i just watched the replacements, and the guy that plays roy played a deaf tight end and didnt say a word the whole movie…a roy jim connection right there

40. Late blooming Office fan who has just been loving all the episodes. After playing catch up on season 2, I have to say this is one of my favorite episodes and has completely intensified my crush on John Krasinski aka Jim. LOVE the part where he fake cries in that meeting about his relative…hilarious. And OMG the “hi” heard round the world. Very nice. Wonder how this season will go.

41. this is probably one of my favorite episodes of all time. the whole thing was just one joke after the other. jim’s impressions of stanely and when dwight is interigating kevin. genius.

42. My favorite episode. Period.

43. This is my favourite episode because of the whole pam jim thing playing out. It is absolutely adorable.

44. You should have seen Jim’s impression of Dwight in the deleted scenes…that one had me rolling on the floor – especially after Dwight actually did it!

    It’s a shame – there is so much good stuff that they have to cut out of the featured show. I wish NBC would give The Office a bigger time slot more often.

45. did anyone notice that in this episode, there is a point where dwight and michael are whispering, and in the background you can see the picture that michael photoshopped in conflict resolution? lol. even though drug testing aired before conflict resolution…i thought it was funny, but i guess it was b/c they shot drug testing last.

    =]

46. I am not sure why everyone thinks Jim’s Miracle Whip quote is an immitation of Stanley. It is an immitation of a Miracle Whip commericial from the 80s. I tell everybody this and no one believes me!

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