EXCLUSIVE: Dwight’s original list of VP demands
Friday, May 16th, 2008My fellow Americans and select Canadians,
My name is Dwight K. Schrute. Recently, it was brought to my attention that a Presidential candidate has selected me as his Vice President — or as I prefer, Assistant President. I was not surprised by this information, because I am the only suitable choice. As this country’s second in command, I will be cunning; wily; exceedingly loyal to my superiors; and will not hesitate to use heavy artillery. However, unlike my predecessor, I will not fire it off in a friend’s face.
As for Mr. Jonathan McCain: I will accept your offer, old man. But before I do, certain terms must be agreed upon.
- I may borrow Air Force One whenever I want. I am not required to refill the tank. When piloting Air Force One, I am only to be addressed as “Iceman.”
- Effective immediately, Jack Bauer is promoted to Secretary of Defense.
- I demand full government financing of research programs into the beet as an alternative energy source. Beet juice is cheaper than gasoline, better-tasting and only slightly flammable.
- My bunker must contain a foosball table and be zombie-proof.
- Secret Service members are to be armed with guns, nunchucks, throwing stars and flamethrowers.
- I would like a flamethrower.
I need that shirt! any idea if they sell it? I love JAM but the Assistant President is H I L A R I O U S!
51 | Mimi Wed. Jun. 11, 2008 at 9:53amHow funny that he cc’s Michael Scott. Wonder what Michael would say to this. For Dwight’s full list, click pages 2 and 3. Otherwise you are missing the joke. Go Dwight - Assistant (to the) President!!!
50 | Receptionist Wed. Jun. 4, 2008 at 2:28pmthanks tobester. you see i slept over at a friend’s the other night and forgot my contacts.
49 | cousin mufasa Sat. May. 31, 2008 at 4:15ammufasa look under the article, there are 3 pages, you’ll see: Pages 123. click the numbers
48 | Tobester Fri. May. 23, 2008 at 12:43amaugh, did i miss it or something? someone…anyone?
47 | cousin mufasa Wed. May. 21, 2008 at 11:16amlol. AWESOME! if only dwight was running mate of another candidate….then he would be in (at least with me! even tho i’m not voting age :P)
oh, dwight. you are the best, my man.
more tee shirts! i want one!!
46 | hannah Tue. May. 20, 2008 at 3:21pmI don’t seem to see the original list everyone’s talking about. Help, please?
45 | cousin mufasa Tue. May. 20, 2008 at 11:14amDwight’s Secret Service should be armed with cross-bows also. Hopefully the White House has enough room for a large collection of Armoires and his Terrarium.
I need that t-shirt!
Vote Schrute!!!
44 | ClassicTransAM Sun. May. 18, 2008 at 7:48amWOW. Thanks so much for sharing this hilarious list with us, Rainn.
43 | OssoBucco Sat. May. 17, 2008 at 11:11pmI HAVE to have that t-shirt! where can I buy it?
42 | Mollie Sat. May. 17, 2008 at 3:28pmThank you, Rainn for emailing this to us Tallyheads! How cool!
41 | Kell Sat. May. 17, 2008 at 2:19pm#37 I agree 100%!!!
40 | Fig Newton Sat. May. 17, 2008 at 1:08pmI loved this when Rainn read it on The Tonight Show, and it was great to read the “extended version.” Hilarious! How nice of Rainn to email it in for us!
And add me to the group who MUST have one of those Tshirts.
39 | Kenna Sat. May. 17, 2008 at 7:05ami think this is funnier than what he read!
38 | VolunteerSheriff'sDeputy:) Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 10:34pm#26–littlestitious–Rainn apparently writes the stuff on Shrute Space by himself. So, I’m assuming that he wrote this as well! (at least I hope he did)! And I agree with you that he should be a writer on the show! This was absolutely amazing!!
The part with the J.K. Rowling bit made me howl with laughter! I completely agree with him!! What is the world without Harry Potter or The Office?! It’s a world that I don’t want to be a part of, that’s what it is! Am I right or am I right?!
Thanks Rainn and Tanster!!
37 | waffle117 Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 7:58pmAssistant to the President
36 | Kshu Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 7:56pmI love the Harry Potter part!
35 | Koos Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 2:47pmNow I wish this was serious because I’m totally for the J.K. Rowling requirement… even though she lives in the UK and therefore out of the USA’s jurisdiction. Maybe Assistant-President Shrute would use his convincing tactics (from “Did I Stutter?”) against Gordon Brown.
34 | ok2bconfused Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 2:34pm“Assistant President in Pending” and “Cc: Michael Scott, John McCain” (note that McCain is second!)—the funniest lines of this entirely too funny list.
Thank you for posting this and huge thanks to Rainn for writing and sharing.
33 | JaneD Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 2:10pmthank you! i love this list.
32 | jkrasislove Fri. May. 16, 2008 at 2:07pm