W: B.J. Novak, D: Jeffrey Blitz
Summary (NBC): Corporate assigns Michael to counseling with Toby. Dwight vows revenge on the Steamtown Mall after a shop owner snubs him. Meanwhile, Pam conspires to change her job title.
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In a poll conducted September 30-October 4, Tallyheads rated this episode: 7.62/10
The Office Counseling quotes
Dwight: There’s no good laugh for a regular idea.
Dwight: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for Infants and Toddlers.
Dwight: You remember my cousin Mose.
Mose: Welcome, children.
Pam: Were you painting in the dark?
Dwight: To a child’s imagination, that’s Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife.
Dwight: We come fully equipped with a restroom, feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant.
Michael: This is the worst. I hate looking at your face. I want to smash it!
Michael: I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad.
Toby: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I’ve got a chance to do some good here.
Michael: We’re going to leave the blinds open so everybody can see what a big failure you are.
Dwight: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!
Phyllis: The mall itself, or the stores in the mall?
Ryan: America’s one big mall.
Phyllis: I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues and he’s stupid.
Pam: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So if you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that’s fair.
Dwight: That mall is corrupt. They’re appearancist!
Kelly: You need to go back there and you need to ‘Pretty Woman’ their asses.
Creed: We should start our own mall.
Kelly: I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.
Andy: No, you and I… and I.
Dwight: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980’s, Beautiful Girl.
Andy: Pretty Woman.
Dwight: Apparently, it’s one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist… that can’t be right. Andy? How does it…?
Jim: No, no. I want to hear you tell it.
Dwight: Okay, the sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the “trappings” of extravagant wealth, but instead of going…
Andy: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she’s like, “I was in here yesterday and you wouldn’t help me.” And the shop girl goes, “okay.” And Julia Roberts goes, “You girls work on commission, right?” And the girl is like, “yeah,” and Julia Roberts goes…
Kelly: “Big mistake! Huge!”
Pam: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That’s the main way. But this could work.
Michael: The other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis… I mean peas.
Michael: I was probed by an alien life force. A-L-F. ALF. You know, I might have actually been probed by ALF.
Jim: Today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.
Kelly: Your shirt and tie are disgusto barfo.
Dwight: Wait, less matching to appear more rich?
Michael: I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being.
Erin: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don’t ever get to see your pictures.
Erin: I don’t care if I forget today.
Toby: We can play something more complicated if you like.
Michael: This is plenty complicated.
Toby: So you have played it before?
Michael: I’ve played it once or twice with Jeff.
Toby: Who’s Jeff?
Michael: Jeff was my mother’s boyfriend, who she married.
Toby: So, her husband, your stepdad?
Michael: Yeah, yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.
Toby: Did you guys do much stuff together?
Michael: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird, though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn’t able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.
Toby: It’s working! I’m doing it!
Angela: Don’t forget the pipe.
Michael: When I hear myself say it, it just sounds ridiculous.
Michael: You can’t help people. You couldn’t help your marriage!
Michael: Thank you, doctor, take two of these and call me in the morning.
Pam: If I can pull this off, it will be the scam of all scams. And yet, very helpful to everyone.
Darryl: I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh’s home office. All corkboard.
Pam: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2am: you play the opponent, not the cards.
Jim: Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.
Dwight: It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.
Dwight: I’m here for one thing: revenge.
Dwight: You made a big mistake. Huge!
Michael: You don’t make a mistake on purpose, Toby. Then it’s no longer a mistake.
Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learn more from Dr. Seuss than Dr. Freud. Earth: you don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don’t know, just use the best one.