The Office: Women’s Appreciation, 3.22

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The Office Women's Appreciation

Writers: Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky, Director: Tucker Gates

Summary (NBC): Outrage breaks out in the office after Phyllis gets an unexpected eyeful from a flasher. Michael makes some important personal decisions when he takes the women on a special outing. Supersized, 8:36-9:19pm. (This is the episode we watched being filmed during our set visit!)

The Office Women’s Appreciation extras

The Office Women’s Appreciation quotes

Jim: Oh, what’s this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim (reading paper): “Jim Halpert, tardiness.” Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You’ve got to learn, Jim, you’re second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And, I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let’s put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you’ll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you’re looking at a violation. Four of those, and you’ll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you’re looking at a written warning. Two of those, that’ll land you in a world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk, by the end of the day, or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What’s a dis … what’s that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know.

Phyllis: I think I just got flashed.

Jim: Okay, I’ll call the real police.

Andy: What happened? What can I do to help? I’ll check the web.

Pam: Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis: Um, I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out … (whispering) on the map.
Angela: Phyllis, you’re a married woman.
Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what’s all the fuss?

Creed: If that’s flashing, then lock me up.

Michael: Um … I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh, Karen from behind?
Kevin: I’m guessing not.

Michael: Okay, masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus?

Toby: I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response.

Michael: Prove it. Let’s see your penis.

Michael: You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

Michael: Women can’t have fun if they don’t feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time, she pretended she didn’t hear me.

Jan: Just let my assistant know if you’re coming over so he can get more vodka, okay? Hunter, are you on?
Hunter: You got it, Jan.

Dwight: Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better a thousand innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.

Dwight: There are several penises there I’d love Phyllis to run her eyes over.

Michael: Dwight, are those your pants? That’s a Polaroid.

Dwight: Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis, I think you know what I’m referring to, Michael has authorized me to form an emergency, anti-flashing, task force.

Dwight: I know what you’re thinking. Won’t that just shed more light on the penises. But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don’t you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I’ve got penises on the brain.

Pam: I don’t often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim’s … whoo, I am, I am saying a lot of things.

Karen: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? (Reading) “Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding one-quarter inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute.” This is ridiculous.
Dwight: Attention, I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Karen: Dwight, this memo that you distributed, is insulting.
Dwight: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Pam (reading): “Sleeves down to the wrists, button-up collars, and muted colors.” Nobody dresses like that. (Whip pan to Angela.)

Michael: If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.

Michael: Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me.

Michael: Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?
Dwight: Less than three.
Michael: That is not current.
Dwight: You know what? Why doesn’t Oscar run the meeting? He’s a homosexual.
Jim: Why don’t you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Dwight: Those are collectible action figures. And they’re worth more than your car.
Michael: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.

Michael: When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith: I don’t remember doing that.
Angela: What a surprise.

Michael: My point is, a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight (gesturing with his hand): Alien. Bleah!

Michael: Even the hot ones aren’t really that skinny.

Michael: I don’t even consider myself a part of society.

Andy: If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models.
Kevin: Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me.

Karen: What you’re saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen: I’m saying that you’re being sexist.
Michael: No, I’m being misogynistic. That is insane, I am not being sexist.
Karen: That … it’s the same thing.
Phyllis: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Phyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.

Dwight: I wish I could menstruate.

Dwight: If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Angela: Malls are just awful and humiliating. They’re just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior’s section. There are petite adults who are sort of … smaller, who need to wear … maybe a kids’ size 10.

Dwight: I plan on plastering this pervert’s face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide.

Meredith: My car, my rules.

Kevin: Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women’s bathroom?
Jim: No. Thank you, though.
Kevin: You aren’t curious?
Jim: Not really, I’ve seen a bathroom before.
Kevin: Yeah, but … it’s every guy’s fantasy.
Jim: I think you mean a girl’s locker room. And in the fantasy, there’s usually girls in it.
Kevin (quietly): Yeah. I’m going in.
Jim: Go crazy.
Kevin: Oh … my … god.

Andy: I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.
Dwight: Of course you do, moonface. That’s because you’re a preppy freak, you’re the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So, start hanging these all around the building.
Andy: This guy looks like a real deviant.
Dwight: No duh! That’s why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those!
Andy: Aye aye, Cap’n.
Dwight: More like, “Aye aye, General.”

Michael: Many women are competent drivers.

Ryan: She might mention an email that I wrote awhile back, um …
Jim: Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she’s not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend.
Ryan: I figured. It’s cool. I don’t … I really wouldn’t want to be in an office relationship anyway. (Kevin can barely contain his tittering behind a magaziine.)

Michael: So … let’s dish.

Michael: Mmm, what is a Pap smear? Or is it “schmear”? Like … the cream cheese.
Pam: Okay, new topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But uh, sometimes awesome.

Michael: I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Angela: Okay, I’m going to be at the doll store.

Angela: Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I’m forced to go to the American Girl store. And order clothes for large colonial dolls.

Michael: Jan says anything that doesn’t scare us is not worth doing.

Michael: I like cuddling and spooning, and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Omigod.
Michael: And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael: No, it’s not that bad. The worst part is, that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

Michael (crying): You guys … what am I going to do about Jan?

Michael: Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts — not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I’m unhappy when I’m with her. Flat-chested.
Pam: What was the last one?
Michael: She’s totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.

Pam: Michael, you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t make you happy.
Michael: I’m happy sometimes. Um … when we scrapbook, or right towards the end of having sex.
Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches, you just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael: Yeah, that’s smart.
Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you’re just wrong for each other.
Michael: That sounds good, too. I don’t know who’s right.

Phyllis: Don’t think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?
Michael: I wanna break up with Jan. Wow! I wanna break up with Jan.
Phyllis: My mom taught me that.

Michael: Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories!
Pam: No one said it has no calories.

Michael: Let’s face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They’re cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage, and to be wearing eight-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

Toby: I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.

Creed: I’m a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women’s room for number two. I’ve been caught several times, and I have paid dearly.

Michael: You don’t want anything? My treat. Some panties or … pick a thong or … G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any, it just, you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

Pam: I’m kind of in between boyfriends right now. So I don’t need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels, I figure I could cut up this robe.

Kelly: Michael, you know how to change a wheel, right?

Michael: Do you have a crescent? A crescent Allan?

Pam: You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe’s already coming in handy.

Andy: Halfsies?
Dwight: No. Wholesies.

Dwight: You know, I may have underestimated you. You’re not a total ass.

Michael (leaving voicemail for Jan): Hey, Jan, it’s me. Michael. I’m just calling to say that I think we need a little break. Permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I wanna remain friends. Or at least, business associates who get along. Oh just so you know, it’s not me, it’s you. Okay, buddy. Somebody just walked in, I have to go. Um, so I’ll talk to you later.

: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. ‘Cause they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much, but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well maybe I learned something from women after all.

Dwight: Dunder Mifflin Paper slash Sex Predator Hotline. This is Dwight Schrute.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. It’s Jim.
Dwight: Jim, what are you doing? I’m busy.
Jim: No, you’re not. I’m looking right at you.
Dwight: Ugh, I’m hanging up.
Jim: Don’t. I have information about the sex predator.
Dwight: You have information about the sex predator?
Jim: I saw him two minutes ago.
Dwight: Where?
Jim: In the women’s bathroom, above the sink.

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