Michael: Hello son. If you’re watching this, that means I’m already dead.
Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork, and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die, I want my … son … to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael: Number eight. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra.
Michael: You just twist your hand until … something breaks.
Michael: So get your suits to the dry cleaners, and get your hair did. And Karen, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind, if you don’t already have one. This may be Phyllis’ only wedding ever. It’s my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins.
Michael: I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie, Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So …
Michael: I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Michael: It’ll probably be on a boat.
Michael: What’s up, spinstas?
Michael: Sort of a guys’ night out. A G-N-O, if you will. A guh-no. Actually, it’s more of a Guys’ Afternoon In. A G-A-I. A gai. Not … not it’s uh, not gay.
Michael: It’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.
Jim: Karen and I had a long … talk last night. And the night before that. And uh … every night. For the last five nights.
Pam: Something’s up with Jim and Karen. Not that I’ve been eavesdropping. It’s not really any of my business. But … I’ve gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim’s neck.
Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody, it’s me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer. Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim’s girlfriend. Packer: Shut up! Shut it! Karen: That’s rude. Packer: Either this chick is a dude, or Halpert got scared straight!
Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Packer: Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Packer: A stripper is Bachelor Party 101.
Michael: I can’t get a stripper here. Sexual harassment. Packer: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. Michael: So that’s what that means.
Michael: We are still going to be having two parties, but each is going to get a little extra dose of naugh-tay.
Michael: Okay, coed naked strippers in this office. For realsies. Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Meredith: Shut up, Angela!
Pam: Everything okay? Jim: Oh yeah. Why? Pam: Well, you seem a little tired. Jim: Oh. Yeah, well, I guess there’s been a couple of late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. Pam: You should get more sleep. Jim: Yeah. I know I should. Pam: Never ever underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep. Jim: No, I’m sure you’re right. Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like, six hours, it’s like, big difference! Jim: Really? Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle, going with the whole … sleeping … better than not. Jim: Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there? Pam: Yeah. Don’t fall asleep at your desk! (Under breath) Oh my god.
Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No … tats. Of course I want — Jim: Stop. That’s disgusting. Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper. Jim: Fine. Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy. Jim: Sally.
Dwight: Do you have any blonde women?
Ryan: He hasn’t even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Jim: Yep, SpongeBob SquarePants. Michael: And you think that’d be sexy?
Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Michael: You wearing a thong?
Angela: Sparkling cider is very good. Pam: I think that’s champagne.
Michael: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes.
Michael: Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president. Michael: Yes, but Ben Franklin was.
Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before? Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. Jim: Yeah. Me neither.
Dwight: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
Karen: Mr. Franklin, do you have a girlfriend? Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah. Pam: But don’t you have girlfriends in Paris? Like, a lot of them? Ben Franklin: Ah, well, that is a gray area of my life.
Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? Michael: No. yes. Ryan: Oh gross. Michael: But I got all the foot off of it.
Karen: Oh, Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem in his mouth!
Pam: Do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Michael: Guys! Beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Michael: Well then my man meat he shall have.
Pam: I was confused by your phrasing.
Pam: I’m not into Jim. Yeah.
Elizabeth: Hi guys! I hear there’s an important meeting here.
Roy: I’m not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam’s art. She’s an artist. And I appreciate that. It’s very moving. And … sexy. The art.
Michael: You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elisabeth: You want me to answer phones, with my clothes on. Dwight: We hired you for three hours work, and we’re gonna get it.
Elisabeth: Ooh, I love your poster. Angela(about ready to faint): Thank you.
Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity. Pam: I know. Ben Franklin: Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here. Pam: Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis? Ben Franklin: Yes. But I don’t. My name is Gordon. Pam: Oh …
Ben Franklin: These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex. Michael: Wow. Ben Franklin, you’re really kind of a sleazebag.
Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question? About women? Um … should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? Elizabeth: Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone. Michael: Wow. Thank you.
Dwight: Who is the king of Austria? Ben Franklin: Joseph the Second. Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia? Ben Franklin: Friedrich Wilhelm the Third. Dwight: Who is the kind of England?! Ben Franklin: Why, the tyrant King George, of course.
Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
Pam: God, I need a boyfriend. You know, Ryan, I’m totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Elizabeth: Oh my god. I would get so fat if I worked here. Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. Elizabeth: You could strip, you know. Pam: Thanks.
Michael: So you don’t want to end our relationship? Jan: I’m closer to firing you. Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best G-D girlfriend in the world.
Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president but someone like Elizabeth can’t.