W: Mindy Kaling, D: Randall Einhorn
Summary (NBC): Acting on Todd Packer’s advice, Michael brings two “adult” performers into the office in honor of Phyllis’s wedding shower. Karen confronts Pam about her past with Jim.
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The Office Ben Franklin quotes
Michael: Hello son. If you’re watching this, that means I’m already dead.
Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork, and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die, I want my … son … to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael: Number eight. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra.
Michael: You just twist your hand until … something breaks.
Michael: So get your suits to the dry cleaners, and get your hair did. And Karen, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind, if you don’t already have one. This may be Phyllis’ only wedding ever. It’s my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins.
Michael: I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie, Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So …
Michael: I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Michael: It’ll probably be on a boat.
Michael: What’s up, spinstas?
Michael: Sort of a guys’ night out. A G-N-O, if you will. A guh-no. Actually, it’s more of a Guys’ Afternoon In. A G-A-I. A gai. Not … not it’s uh, not gay.
Michael: It’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.
Jim: Karen and I had a long … talk last night. And the night before that. And uh … every night. For the last five nights.
Pam: Something’s up with Jim and Karen. Not that I’ve been eavesdropping. It’s not really any of my business. But … I’ve gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim’s neck.
Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody, it’s me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim’s girlfriend.
Packer: Shut up! Shut it!
Karen: That’s rude.
Packer: Either this chick is a dude, or Halpert got scared straight!
Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Packer: Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Packer: A stripper is Bachelor Party 101.
Michael: I can’t get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
Packer: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael: So that’s what that means.
Michael: We are still going to be having two parties, but each is going to get a little extra dose of naugh-tay.
Michael: Okay, coed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: Shut up, Angela!
Pam: Everything okay?
Jim: Oh yeah. Why?
Pam: Well, you seem a little tired.
Jim: Oh. Yeah, well, I guess there’s been a couple of late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam: You should get more sleep.
Jim: Yeah. I know I should.
Pam: Never ever underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep.
Jim: No, I’m sure you’re right.
Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like, six hours, it’s like, big difference!
Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle, going with the whole … sleeping … better than not.
Jim: Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there?
Pam: Yeah. Don’t fall asleep at your desk! (Under breath) Oh my god.
Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No … tats. Of course I want —
Jim: Stop. That’s disgusting.
Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy.
Dwight: Do you have any blonde women?
Ryan: He hasn’t even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Jim: Yep, SpongeBob SquarePants.
Michael: And you think that’d be sexy?
Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Michael: You wearing a thong?
Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that’s champagne.
Michael: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes.
Michael: Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but Ben Franklin was.
Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim: Yeah. Me neither.
Dwight: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
Karen: Mr. Franklin, do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam: But don’t you have girlfriends in Paris? Like, a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Ah, well, that is a gray area of my life.
Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. yes.
Ryan: Oh gross.
Michael: But I got all the foot off of it.
Karen: Oh, Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem in his mouth!
Pam: Do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Michael: Guys! Beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat he shall have.
Pam: I was confused by your phrasing.
Pam: I’m not into Jim. Yeah.
Elizabeth: Hi guys! I hear there’s an important meeting here.
Roy: I’m not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam’s art. She’s an artist. And I appreciate that. It’s very moving. And … sexy. The art.
Michael: You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elisabeth: You want me to answer phones, with my clothes on.
Dwight: We hired you for three hours work, and we’re gonna get it.
Elisabeth: Ooh, I love your poster.
Angela (about ready to faint): Thank you.
Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin: Yes. But I don’t. My name is Gordon.
Pam: Oh …
Ben Franklin: These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael: Wow. Ben Franklin, you’re really kind of a sleazebag.
Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question? About women? Um … should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you.
Dwight: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph the Second.
Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Friedrich Wilhelm the Third.
Dwight: Who is the kind of England?!
Ben Franklin: Why, the tyrant King George, of course.
Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
Pam: God, I need a boyfriend. You know, Ryan, I’m totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Elizabeth: Oh my god. I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth: You could strip, you know.
Michael: So you don’t want to end our relationship?
Jan: I’m closer to firing you.
Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best G-D girlfriend in the world.
Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president but someone like Elizabeth can’t.
Icon courtesy of pessimistreader.