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Writer: Greg Daniels, Director: Charles McDougall
Summary: Michael plays office mediator, causing a variety of hidden resentments to erupt to the surface. No one is immune to hurt feelings, not even Jim and Pam.
The Office Conflict Resolution extras
The Office Conflict Resolution quotes
Jim: Yeah, I mean it’s inevitable, I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but, I’m fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.
Pam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but … it’s my wedding. And I don’t want anyone there who has called me a hussy.
Michael: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam’s. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We’re doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.
Dwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis (leaving the room): Excuse me.
Dwight: Clown paint.
Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Michael: That’s a nice tie.
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: That is … who makes that?
Ryan: Um, I don’t …
Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan: Um … let’s um, let’s keep our clothes.
Oscar: I’d say if Jesus saw that, he’d freak out!
Michael: What’s the dealio?
Michael: So what, you’re having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced.
Michael: In this office, it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don’t get downsized.
Michael: My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Michael: With win-win-win, we all win. Me too.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael: C’mon, seriously, that?
Oscar: I don’t like looking at it. It’s creepy, and in bad taste, and it’s just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It’s kitsch, the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno …
Angela: It was hand delivered, but, I did get a ‘save the date’ after all. (Looking at it) It’s not my taste.
Toby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight, for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I’m sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.
Michael: This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning, and the lights are too bright.
Michael: Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day, and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Toby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael.
Michael: How about the Phyllis/Angela dispute.
Angela: You already did me.
Michael (with Jim mouthing the words to the camera): That’s what she said.
Pam: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I’ve been really nice to her, and I haven’t told anyone, and … (shakes head) what the hell?
Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint. “Ryan never returns my calls.” Ah, join the club.
Ryan: My voicemail’s real spotty. Sometimes.
Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Jim: And I didn’t tell anyone, cause I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Pam: Hey, thanks for ratting me out!
Angela: I didn’t do it!
Pam: I find that hard to believe, considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
Michael: Someone complained that the men’s room is “whites only.” Stanley, you know that’s not true.
Stanley: I didn’t say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?
Michael: And also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much and that bugs him.
Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley: We sit close.
Jim: Well what does Roy think about everything.
Pam: I don’t know, I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim: You mean, like your thoughts and feelings?
Jim (under his breath): Yeah.
Phyllis (to Angela): I don’t like you.
Michael: Okay, Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed: I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
Michael: Alright Kevin, you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela, that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin, that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision. (Angela has that ‘you gotta be kidding’ look on her face)
Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
Jim: What did I write … (grins)
Michael: You know your I.D. says you’re a security threat?
Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn’t work, everybody would still be in the cage.
Michael (reading Dwight’s complaints): “Somebody replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.” “This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed a murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.”
Michael (reading Dwight’s complaint): “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”
Jim: That actually took awhile. I had to put uh more and more nickels into his handset, til he got used to the weight, and then I just … took them all out.
Michael (reading Dwight’s complaints): “Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers.'” “By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that’s how I spent my entire day that day.
Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I’ve never had one. They sound awful.
Dwight: I have a girlfriend.
Jim: Sure, you do, Dwight.
Michael: It was really hard getting a good picture of 15 people. He would not give me a discount, and eight tries added up. But, I’m sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can’t outrun your problems. And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here’s the thing about cage matches. Sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
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