W: Paul Lieberstein, D: Charles McDougall
Summary: Dwight turns to Michael for public speaking advice, but it’s Jim who provides some effective talking points. Pam continues to plan her wedding, while Jim schedules a vacation.
Dwight: What was the ninth place prize again? A loaf of bread?
Dwight: Question. Do their pizzas play DVDs?
Jim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money, and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a northeastern Pennsylvania-based mid-sized paper company regional salesman can attain so …
Jim: What did I do to deserve this?
Pam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Pam: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?
Pam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding, and I have to do it in the office. And…that can be kind of awkward, um, just because people … can get all weird about wedding stuff, and I just, I don’t want to offend … Angela, or someone.
Michael: Grapes — seductive.
Michael: Two years in a row. Consecutive.
Dwight: What if I give a really long extended thank you?
Dwight: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school’s spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled in front of the entire school … the word “failure.”
Michael: Just, try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight: Is that an insult, or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Pam: I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding, but I do not want orange invitations.
Jim: I’m gonna take a trip. And uh … get out of town for awhile, and … go someplace … not … here.
Oscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I’m more productive. Maybe some people don’t like it as cold as I do. But I don’t care.
Michael: But seriously, what’s the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight: Saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael: It’s a joke, Dwight, not a sex ed class.
Michael: The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman is boobs.
Stanley: Go ahead, get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want.
Kelly: Is Brad okay?
Dwight: He will never act again.
Kelly: This is karma, because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Michael: Pam, I’m public speaking. Stop public interrupting me!
Kevin: You should go to Hedonism.
Jim: What is that.
Kevin: It’s like Club Med, but everything is naked.
Jim: I was thinking more like Europe, or something like that, but … good … second choice.
Toby: Been to Amsterdam.
Michael: Oh, oh, okay. You know what? That’s not a toast, you’re not standing up.
Toby (standing up and air-toasting): To Amsterdam.
Dwight: Good morning, Vietnam!
Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom.
Jim The great speakers thoughout history were not joke tellers, they were people of passion.
Jim: Okay, I didn’t actually major in public speaking. But … I did download speeches from some of history’s famous dictators. Like this one (holding up printout), originally given by Benito Mussolini.
Michael: It’s time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.
Kevin: I’ve never ever seen you take a sick day.
Angela: Well I’ve seen you take enough for the both of us.
Michael: What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such of thing of that … nature.
Kevin: I always set it at 69. (Titters)
Kelly: Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?
Ryan: Actually, I don’t see ever getting married.
Kelly: Oh. (Walks out of the room upset.)
Pam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It’s obvious she likes you, and comments like that, they just …
Ryan: I know what I said.
Michael: I’m very sorry, I did not know that you were wearing a hearing aid, and I just thought that you were speaking … abnormally.
Dwight: Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness?
Dwight: We are warriors! (Applause) Salesmen of northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more, rise, and be worthy of this historical hour! (More applause, then Michael sneaks out while Dwight laughs maniacally.)
Ryan: You really think you’re going to go.
Jim: Yeah, I’m definitely going.
Ryan: Nice … send me a postcard.
Ryan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich every day for lunch. I don’t know, if I were a betting man, I’d say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.
Dwight: I say, salesmen … and women … of the world, unite. We must never acquiesce. For it is together, together that we prevail!
Pam: Australia? I have always wanted to go there.
Jim: I’m going. I’m a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor, but…(Pam laughs)
Michael: Dwight gave a great speech. That’s the word on the street anyway. And I … entertained Dwight to no end, with my bar stories. So I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys.
In one of Jim’s talking head segments, he shows a printed page of a speech given by Benito Mussolini. This page comes from an actual website called The History Guide, and you can find the page here.
Read more about Dwight’s Speech in Jenna’s TV Guide blog!
The song that is playing when Michael and Dwight enter the convention is “Get Ready For This” by 2 Unlimited.
Read James’ Northern Attack recap.