W: Aaron Shure, D: Randall Einhorn
Summary (NBC): Michael is surprisingly cheerful after learning some bad news about Donna (guest star Amy Pietz). The new parents, Pam and Jim, have trouble staying awake in the office. Meanwhile, Angela takes matters into her own hands when Dwight refuses to honor their contract.
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Michael: You say radon is silent but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth?
Michael: We’re not going to die of radon, we’re going to die of boredom.
Michael: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Dwight: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Creed: Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room.
Jim: Stanley, please, this is serious.
Erin: You probably shouldn’t keep a baby up that late, though.
Pam: If you get stuck and don’t know what to do, make a random sound effect.
Dwight: Michael! Nice tie or something.
Michael: Thank you. It’s reversible I think.
Angela: I’m going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Dwight: I will do legal jujitsu on you.
Jim: So we’re going to say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?
Michael: Oh, Hooters to Go. Nice.
Jim: Billy Joel Rock Band.
Michael: That exists?
Michael: She’s not invisible, so stop asking silly questions.
Michael: Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband, or you took a random poll, yeah, it’s wrong.
Meredith: I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with. I ask everyone in the room, “are you in a relationship?”
Michael: People, this is Scranton, and many people consider that to be the Paris of Northeast Pennsylvania.
Michael: In Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Michael: Real Sports with Bryant Gumball.
Michael: I am declaring a moment of silence. Right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson.
Andy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold.
Michael: When are you people going to stop casting the first stone?
Andy: You’re Ali Larter. I’m Beyonce.
Michael: I am Beyonce always.
Michael: I can’t wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he’s making me do to her.
Jim: It’s really warm in here. It’s like a sleeping bag.
Dwight: I don’t have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don’t want to dig past a certain someone to get it.
Dwight: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.
Angela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Mediator: I can’t legally watch this unfold. It’s coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.
Angela: I’m not some farm animal.
Shane: Are you guys Kenny’s dads?
Andy: No. But we’re gay for baseball.
Michael: I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand, all the time I was thinking, “I’m sleeping with your wife.” And you know who does that? James Freakin’ Bond!
Oscar: Why would you throw something wet at me?
Michael: You love it.
Michael: I am what I am, Oscar, and I want what I want! And right now, I want a piece of cake.
Kevin: That is a dangerous game, friendo.
Ryan: You know what? I think you’re attractive. And I want to sleep with you.
Dwight: I am an honorable man and I will honor the contract. But I don’t have to give her the good stuff.
Creed: He don’t give an F about nothin’!
Michael: I have got big balls.
Michael: A motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me.
Michael: Okay, Morgan-Freeman-narrating-everything.
Dwight: Stop kissing me. It’s not in the contract.
Michael: It was either living with myself or being happy. And I picked… the… former.
Michael: I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.
In a poll conducted May 13-17, Tallyheads rated this episode: 7.94/10