The Office: The Convict, 3.09

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the office the convict

Writers: Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
Director: Jeffrey Blitz

Summary (NBC): Michael tries to be supportive after learning that one of the new employees is an ex-convict, but gets upset when the staff starts to compare the office to prison.

The Office The Convict: Prison Mike

The Office The Convict extras

The Office The Convict quotes

Pam: Oh, she’s absolutely adorable!
Hannah: He.
Pam: Oh, sorry. He’s — he’s dressed all in pink.
Hannah: That’s his favorite color.
Pam: Oh. That’s fun for him.
Stanley: Fantastic.

Michael: Hey, look at me, I’m a baby! I’m one of those babies from “Look Who’s Talking.” What am I thinking? (Laughs) Look at all those staplers! What’s a stapler? — I don’t even know, I’m a baby! Hey, Mom, I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.

Michael: I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.

Michael: You are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael: Because you think he’s black.
Kevin: He is black … right?

Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for … polluting a black guy’s lake.

Angela: Sure. Let’s protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.

Jim: Jim Halpert.
Andy: I am so horny.
Jim: Okay, I can’t help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim: She’s high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about … (motions toward Angela). Blondes are more fun. C’mon, trust me on that.
Jim: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.

Michael: Just … try to be cool.
Dwight: I am cool.
Michael: Okay, are you cool, really?
Dwight: I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m so cool. Tell me what is going on.

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Jim: Frisbee-based competitions …
Andy: Are you kidding?
Jim: She …
Andy: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Jim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves the ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. Also, do you speak pig latin?

Jim: Jonas Salk.
Michael: Who?
Jim: Justin Timberlake?

Michael: Yo, that’s shizzle.

Michael: Surprised? Well shame on you.

Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because … it sounds an awful lot like what I do here … every day.

Kevin: You got outdoors time?

Kevin: I would so rather be in prison.

Michael: This place is not prison. It’s way better than prison.

Creed: Oh it’s okay. I’ve got tons of them.

Andy: Listen, you’re cute. There’s no getting around it.

Andy: Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam: Wow. I …

Pam: Wow. That was … wow.

Michael: I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison.

Phyllis: I can’t feel my toes.

Michael: I’m not going for bulk, I’m going for tone.
Stanley: I’m going back inside. It’s freezing.

: These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

Jim: Quick question — do you play the guitar.
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that’ll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy (singing): You know I can, my man.

Andy: I’m gonna go get my banjo out of my car.

Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?

Michael: I am here to scare you straight!

Michael: You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball.

Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.

Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

Michael: The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they’d come down, and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt.
Karen: Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael: No, not Harry Potter.

Martin: There were certain elements of what you performed, I’ve seen on television.

Michael: They are such babies!

Toby: Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?

Toby: Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room?

Toby: They’re teasing you. To be funny.

Michael: Okay nut cases. Get out of there. Good work!

Michael: Time off for good behavior!

Andy (singing): So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they’re wrong, wait and see, cause one day we’ll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and me …

Deleted scene #9

Kelly is holding Hannah’s baby near Ryan’s desk.
Ryan: You have something you want to say to me about the baby?
Kelly: No.
Ryan: Okay.
Kelly: Omigod, Ryan, babies are so cute and I want one right this instant!

Ryan: Yeah, babies are cute. You know what’s not cute — the fact that Kelly forgets to take her birth control pills on purpose.

Icon courtesy of imaclanni.


  1. I can’t believe they’re really dating. I thought Jim was bluffing. Oh well, wait until Karen catches on to Jim and Pam’s relationship.

    Oh and loved Kevin’s comment about insider trading.

  2. omg, andy singing to pam. priceless.

    i kinda felt the episode was eh.
    i think everyone is going to quit one by one.
    hannah’s next…i hope she is.

  3. That smirk at the end was the best. And a newer face then the usual “wow” face. Loved it. How did Jenna Fischer keep a straight face filming that final scene. Are people really surprised that Jim is seeing Karen? Didn’t the back rub give it away last week? Oh well.

  4. The Ending!!!! All of the Jim glances were soooo up to par!!!!

    I love how Jim and Pam still have their tension, it should be good…

  5. It was all right … but locking the workers in the conference room was pretty good.

    And Michael+Toby?! Wow. That was pretty unexpected. (And worth it!)

    Lots of people seem to be quitting Dunder-Mifflin … first Tony, now Martin. Who will be next…? :(

    SIGH no more Office for two weeks!!! *groan*

  6. ahh i loved it!
    i lovedddd the jam factor.. how jim wouldnt let karen in on his prank.

  7. Wow Toby and Michael has a bond there for a split second where they didn’t disagreen about anything! I laughed alot at this episode to be honest.
    Creed’s scene. Wow was it just me or did he look scary as hell!?!??
    When michael called toby a convicted rapist… rofl.
    When Jim said that guys name(I couldn’t catch it) then said justin timberlake.
    Why are they getting rid of all the stamford people, I think the only people going to end up staying is Andy and Karen.

    Even though Jim said he is dating Karen there is still that JAM feel to it especially since everyone thought it was lost last episode. I think Jim still likes Karen and the reason he didn’t want it to go around the office was because he didn’t want Pam to know!!

  8. Liked it, except for the middle section w/the Prison Mike. It was cringe-worthy, but not funny-cringe worthy. The beginning 10 min. was fantastic, though.

  9. I give the episode a 7/10. Lots of over the top jokes that just fell flat. The premise of the episode was good but I don’t feel it was done effectively. Not too much Dwight in this one either. Too bad. Hope the xmas episode makes up for this one.

  10. Why is Martin leaving? I know why he’s leaving character wise

    but why I mean like I like the character =(

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