The Office: The Convict, 3.09

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the office the convict

Writers: Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
Director: Jeffrey Blitz

Summary (NBC): Michael tries to be supportive after learning that one of the new employees is an ex-convict, but gets upset when the staff starts to compare the office to prison.

The Office The Convict: Prison Mike

The Office The Convict extras

The Office The Convict quotes

Pam: Oh, she’s absolutely adorable!
Hannah: He.
Pam: Oh, sorry. He’s — he’s dressed all in pink.
Hannah: That’s his favorite color.
Pam: Oh. That’s fun for him.
Stanley: Fantastic.

Michael: Hey, look at me, I’m a baby! I’m one of those babies from “Look Who’s Talking.” What am I thinking? (Laughs) Look at all those staplers! What’s a stapler? — I don’t even know, I’m a baby! Hey, Mom, I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.

Michael: I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.

Michael: You are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael: Because you think he’s black.
Kevin: He is black … right?

Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for … polluting a black guy’s lake.

Angela: Sure. Let’s protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.

Jim: Jim Halpert.
Andy: I am so horny.
Jim: Okay, I can’t help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim: She’s high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about … (motions toward Angela). Blondes are more fun. C’mon, trust me on that.
Jim: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.

Michael: Just … try to be cool.
Dwight: I am cool.
Michael: Okay, are you cool, really?
Dwight: I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m so cool. Tell me what is going on.

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Jim: Frisbee-based competitions …
Andy: Are you kidding?
Jim: She …
Andy: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Jim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves the ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. Also, do you speak pig latin?

Jim: Jonas Salk.
Michael: Who?
Jim: Justin Timberlake?

Michael: Yo, that’s shizzle.

Michael: Surprised? Well shame on you.

Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because … it sounds an awful lot like what I do here … every day.

Kevin: You got outdoors time?

Kevin: I would so rather be in prison.

Michael: This place is not prison. It’s way better than prison.

Creed: Oh it’s okay. I’ve got tons of them.

Andy: Listen, you’re cute. There’s no getting around it.

Andy: Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam: Wow. I …

Pam: Wow. That was … wow.

Michael: I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison.

Phyllis: I can’t feel my toes.

Michael: I’m not going for bulk, I’m going for tone.
Stanley: I’m going back inside. It’s freezing.

: These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

Jim: Quick question — do you play the guitar.
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that’ll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy (singing): You know I can, my man.

Andy: I’m gonna go get my banjo out of my car.

Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?

Michael: I am here to scare you straight!

Michael: You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball.

Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.

Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

Michael: The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they’d come down, and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt.
Karen: Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael: No, not Harry Potter.

Martin: There were certain elements of what you performed, I’ve seen on television.

Michael: They are such babies!

Toby: Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?

Toby: Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room?

Toby: They’re teasing you. To be funny.

Michael: Okay nut cases. Get out of there. Good work!

Michael: Time off for good behavior!

Andy (singing): So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they’re wrong, wait and see, cause one day we’ll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and me …

Deleted scene #9

Kelly is holding Hannah’s baby near Ryan’s desk.
Ryan: You have something you want to say to me about the baby?
Kelly: No.
Ryan: Okay.
Kelly: Omigod, Ryan, babies are so cute and I want one right this instant!

Ryan: Yeah, babies are cute. You know what’s not cute — the fact that Kelly forgets to take her birth control pills on purpose.

Icon courtesy of imaclanni.


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