W: Gene Stupnitsky, Lee Eisenberg, and Michael Schur,
D: Greg Daniels
Summary (NBC): Oscar returns from his long vacation with mixed emotions on whether or not he still wants to be a part of the office. Meanwhile, Andy takes advantage of recent events to get closer to Michael. Jim turns to Karen and Pam for help to stage a prank on a new target.
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- Blogs: John the prop guy
- Reviews: TV Guide | Entertainment Weekly | Wendy | Northern Attack
- Music in this episode
- Buy The Return (Producer’s Cut!) at the iTunes Store
- The Staples memo that was distributed the next day!
- Ryan labels a bottle of Mexican lemonade as “lemoñadé.”
The Office The Return quotes
Dwight: For your convenience, I’ve broken it down into three parts — professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and … Dwight Schrute trivia.
Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words — hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.
Dwight: There’s nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
Andy (looking at Ryan): Big Turkey.
Andy: So here’s to the future. Andy and The Tuna.
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Andy: Addition by subtraction.
Michael: What does that even mean. That is impossible.
Michael: Addition by addition.
Kevin: Oh, hello Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar: That’s very funny.
Kevin: Yeah, I thought of that like two seconds after you left.
Andy: Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.
Andy: Well, then I’ll take that as a “maybe.”
Andy: Things are going pretty good. Getting a lot of face time with the boss.
Angela: Certain events have transpired, and I’ve thought about certain things, and I’m sorry for the way those certain events transpired, and I would just like to make some changes about certain things, and certain situations, and certain accountants …
Kevin: Can I join, too?
Pam: Oh that wasn’t the night crew. That was Dwight.
Andy: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow, seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person a little. Not super crazy, just … there’s something about him that creeps me out. I can’t really explain it. He’s always up in my bidness. Which is Ebonics for “being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.” I don’t understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
Michael: Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you. To me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar’s Mexicanity.
Michael: So Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers and a chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don’t you have me riding in on a donkey, into the office, like Pepe?
Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let’s get him one.
Dwight: I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now.
Jim: Encourage him? I’m the victim, okay? He’s fishing for me.
Karen: … each file is password-protected with a different mythical creature …
Jim: Party pooper.
Michael: Who’s that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv something. Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.
Jim: Hey, Ryan. Do you want to pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better as the temp.
Ryan: Me too.
Michael: Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley: Oh sure, we talk all the time.
Michael: Don’t do that. It’s not nice.
Phyllis: Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality, and a lot of times, when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.
Dwight: Have you heard of paper?
Staples Girl: It’s gonna be like that, huh?
Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Staples Girl: I don’t like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That’s all I got to say on the matter.
Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam: I’m kind of in the middle of … yes, please.
Andy: Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?
Andy: Where is my freaking phone?
Jim: You know what? Maybe it’s in the ceiling.
Andy: You know what? Maybe you’re in the ceiling!
Andy: I don’t trust you, Phyllis.
Andy: I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday: you, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell/Hofstra, slaughter. Then quick nap at my place, and we hit the tiz-own.
Michael: No. I don’t want to do any of that.
Andy: Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
Andy: That was an overreaction.
Dwight: That question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It’s your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man.
Michael: So maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight: I don’t want to do your laundry anymore.
Michael: We can talk about that.
Jim: Omigod. That’s half-inch drywall.
Pam: I think we broke his brain.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Angela: Welcome back.
Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You’re going to break it.
Karen: Do you still have feelings for her?
Michael: I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
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