Dwight’s updated his Schrute-Space blog. As usual, it’s brilliantly hilarious.
A blog on the internet,
By Dwight K. Schrute
Sometimes people need to learn to work together and cooperate. This is called sharing. They teach it to kids.
We learned it while growing up on Schrute Farm.
Grampa Schrute used to say “Learn to share or I’ll eat you.”
Grampa Manheim used to say “Share and share alike, but do it better than the other kid.”
Here’s an example of getting along in a workplace environment:
For instance, you need to use the copy machine, and another co-worker, (who is huge and dumb as a musk oxen and works in accounting) is already using the machine to photocopy a picture of a girl with a surfboard from a magazine.
When I find myself in this situation, I become like the Governator from Terminator 1 and have these 3-4 choices pop up on a screen inside my human head.
The choices might be:
1) Stop what you are doing now and let me use the machine because I am your superior in every way.
2) Use a dragon pinch on his Carotid artery and cause him to collapse. (Jump back! Don’t get trapped under there!)
3) Yell out, “there’s a box of day old donut holes in the kitchen and they’re going fast!” as a diversion.
4) Say, “Excuse me, Kevin, but I have some very important Assistant Regional Manager photocopying to do and as soon as you can possibly finish up, I would ever so greatly appreciate it. So, whenever you’re done… “
So, assuming that I’m not forced or goaded into a dragon pinch ™ I would opt for the polite, civil and beneficent option 4.
That is called working well with others.
We have recently had a situation at the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin (which rules, by the way! It will always be #1. Yeeehaw!) in which some of the cast-offs from Stamford have been sent over to work with us, or work under us as the case may be.
People ask me all the time, ‘Dwight, how did you get to be what you are.’ And ‘How do you always, get to the top of the heap’ and ‘Is there any more of that Marmalade?’ (That was Mose in that last one. Actually those were ALL from Mose.)
I answer, “First, establish dominance. Second, show everyone who’s boss. Third, use humor and or sexuality to get what you want. Fourth: Get to work earliest. Fifth, Don’t let anyone see your flaws. Sixth, ‘ABC’ Which stands for ‘Always Be Closing’. Seventh, don’t let Jim beat you at anything. Eighth, remember that ancient Celtic war chant, still used at many school sporting events, ‘Be Aggressive! Be Be Aggressive! Be Aggressive! Be Be Aggressive!”
I hope that has answered some of your questions.
Until next time, I am,
Dwight K. Schrute
PS. That is all.