Writer: Greg Daniels, Director: Ken Kwapis
Summary: When Michael unintentionally outs a gay employee, he stumbles through a sensitivity mine-field. Also, we find out what happened with Jim and Pam.
The Office Gay Witch Hunt extras
- NBC videos: 2-Minute Replay | Deleted Scenes
- Read James’ Northern Attack recap.
- Here is the full transcript of ‘Gay Witch Hunt’ courtesy of TwizTV.
- Notice the end credits include “promotional consideration furnished by HP”? Read more about that here.
- Buy Gay Witch Hunt at the iTunes Store.
The Office Gay Witch Hunt quotes
Ryan: Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job, which means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say “Ryan Howard is a temp.” It will say “Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm.” That’ll show ’em.
Jim: You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.
Pam: Me too. I think we’re just drunk.
Jim: No I’m not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No. (Jim reaches in for another kiss.) Jim.
Jim: You’re really going to marry him. (Pam nods.)
Dwight: False. I do not miss him.
Toby: Okay, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual.
Michael: You don’t call retarded people “retards.” It’s bad taste. You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Michael: Maybe we could go out for a beer, sometime, and you can tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar (flabbergasted): That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let’s do that.
Angela: It explains so much.
Oscar: Yeah, I’m gay.
Jim: I can’t say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but, I can assure you that it’s certainly not more flammable.
Andy: Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim: I don’t think any of them actually know my real name.
Andy: I went to Cornell. Ever heard of it?
Andy: I sang in the a cappella group, Here Comes Treble.
Michael: Yeah, I’m sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Michael: What about Angela? She’s hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight: Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.
Jim: Gaydar, um, I think they have it at Sharper Image.
Jim: I miss that.
Roy: Chicken or fish?
Pam: We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I’m…I’m doing well. I have my own apartment, and I’m taking art classes, and I have lunch for the next five weeks.
Roy: I gotta win her back.
Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.
Kelly: That is so cool that you’re gay. I totally underestimated you.
Oscar: Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant … at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.
Angela: Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace. And I want to throw up. It’s terribly loud. But I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick, Jr. is on. He’s so talented.
Andy: I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-o, or I’m going to lose my freaking mind!
Michael: I watch “Queer as F*ck.”
Jan: That’s not what it’s called.
Michael: “Gay Pride Parade.” It’s not like, “Gay Shame Festival.”
Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
Michael: Gay porn, straight porn, it’s all good.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Angela: Watching some of your friends.
Michael: I don’t care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight, just get in here! Right now!
Michael: We’re all homos. Homo sapiens.
Creed: I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it’s possible a man slipped in. Would be no way of knowing.
Michael: And I take that as a compliment.
Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine.
Michael: I am coming out hetero.
Oscar: This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
Oscar: I don’t want to touch you! Ever consider that? You’re ignorant. And insulting. And small.
Dwight: Michael appears to be gay, too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Michael: We’re not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can’t lose the spirit of childlike wonder. What is love, anyway? Maybe it’s supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?
Michael: I’m glad today spurred social change. It’s part of my job as regional manager. But you know what, even if didn’t, at least we put this matter to bed. That’s what she said. Or he said. Oh, there’s Gil, Oscar’s roommate. I wonder if he knows.
Oscar: I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three-month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won’t sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
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