The Office: Health Care, 1.03

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The Office: Health Care

Writer: Paul Lieberstein
Director: Ken Whittingham

Summary (DVD): When Corporate asks him to select a more cost-effective insurance plan for the staff, Michael dodges the unpleasant responsibility and Dwight eagerly takes on the task.

The Office Health Care: Dwight Schrute Does Healthcare

(Did you see Angela Kinsey and Brian Baumgartner break in the background?)

The Office Health Care extras

  • Read more about Health Care in Jenna’s TV Guide blog (no longer available) and Angela’s MySpace blog (no longer available).

The Office Health Care quotes

Michael: Pam! Pamela! Pamalama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam: I’m not making any copies.

Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide. For my workers. My family. I give them money. I give them food. Not … directly, but through the money. I … heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um … yes, in way. Yeah, like a specialist.

Jim: Last night, on Trading Spouses, there’s … have you seen it?
Pam: No, I have a life.
Jim: Interesting. What’s that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow … but then who would watch my TV?

Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And uh … well, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight: Okay, first, let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Dwight: In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, heathcare is ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, and I’m dead. Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.

Michael: I gotta go, I’m getting a call.
Pam: No you’re not.

Michael: Oh, god, here we go again, gotta go, I have to take this…
Pam: Still no one calling.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Oscar: He literally won’t come out of his office.
Kevin: He’s gotta come out sometime. (Grins) To go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin! That’s inappropriate.

Pam: I’m inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh great.
Pam: So like, let’s say that my teeth turn to liquid …
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: … and then, they drip down the back of my throat, what would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases. That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Oh … nice.
Jim: Thank you.

Dwight: Alright, who did this? I’m not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

Jim: How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight (reading forms): Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot dog fingers. Government-created killer nano robot infection. You did this, didn’t you.
Jim: Absolutely not.

Jim: Killer nano robots?
Pam: It’s an epidemic.

Dwight: Count Choculitis.
Jim: Whew, sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?

Dwight: I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously, I am the only adult here. Number one: inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Dwight: Who wrote this, this hysterical one … anal fissures.
Kevin: That’s a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.

Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improv from the greats, like um, Drew Carey, and Ryan Stiles …

Michael: … Robin Williams, oh man, would I love to go head-to-head with him! Oh, that would be exciting, hi, uh, I’m Mork from Ork. Well I’m, I’m Bork from Spork. Nanu nanu! Zippity bloo bloo!

Dwight: Oh, um, Jan wants you to call her.

Deleted scenes


Pam: We stole Dwight’s trash can, and we found some of his early attempts at his sign.
Jim: Okay, here’s uh, this is very simple. “Dwight’s Workspace.” Nice. Um, this one’s interesting, the power comes from the font in this one. “Schrute Space.” Very medieval, very … England. Um, this one’s forceful, this one’s very Dwight. “QUIET! Dwight Schrute Working.” It’s good. I really heard him on that. This one’s interesting (looks at Pam and they both grin), I’m not really sure what he meant by this, um, “Dwight Schrute Privates.” Tough to say.
Pam: Yeah.

Pam: Okay, what if you got hit by a car?
Dwight: Uh, don’t need to. Heightened senses. (Pam looks perplexed.)
Jim: Okay, you know what, Dwight, what if you got a really serious disease? Like ebola?
Dwight (snickers): No.
Jim: Well it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie “Outbreak”?
Dwight: Yeah, well, have you ever seen the movie “Unbreakable”? ‘Cause that guy couldn’t get sick. Just like me.
Jim: Okay, have you ever seen the movie “Sixth Sense”? Maybe you’re already dead.
Dwight (pondering that for a moment): Unlikely.


  1. The little “Trading Spouses” banter, as well as their discussion about new diseases, are perfect illustrations of Jim and Pam’s chemistry, and equal partnership in delivering the punchlines. They give as good as they get.

    Don’t you wish you could have perfectly witty conversations like that with your s.o.?

  2. I love this episode so much! It’s so funny with the different diseases they make up! I wish they would repeat it soon.

  3. Haha.

    Also, Michael’s Pamalama ding dong i think is a reference to Roisin Murphy’s Ramalama song. What do you guys think?

  4. the pamalama ding dong reference is to the saturday night live skit with rob schneider, where he sits by the copy machine. he says stingalinga dong dong ding when he comes up and makes copies.

  5. When Michael gives his talking head about letting Dwight choose the health care plan, he says, “If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for giving him a second chance.” What was strike one? Health Care was the last Season One episode filmed (according to Wikipedia), so it really could have referred to any episode in Season One.

  6. Hello, I was re-watching this episode last night and I thought that it was Creed who was the guy on the phone talking with Michael about the coal elevator. Anybody know if this is right?

  7. My personal favorite moment from season one is in the deleted scenes when Dwight interrogates Pam and acts all cool and tough. “Mwa-ha-ha! You really expect me to believe you haven’t set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure.” And then Jim saves the day with the confession and the jackass bit. That scene really should’ve been in the episode. It would’ve fit perfectly right before the scene where Jim locks Dwight in the conference room.

    This episode could’ve been an all-time classic, but the ending really needed a couple rewrites. The long silence thing just doesn’t work and is not funny at all. I would’ve just made the ice cream sandwiches be the surprise and been done with it.

  8. This was my favorite episode of the first season, and probably in my top ten for the whole series.

    My favorite scene was the ‘Dwight Schrute Privates’ deleted scene.

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