The Office: Beach Games, 3.23

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The Office Beach Games

Writers: Jennifer Celotta and Greg Daniels
Director: Harold Ramis

Summary (NBC): Michael is being considered for a position in corporate and has to recommend his replacement. While the group expects a fun outing at Lake Scranton, Michael plans “Survivor”-like competitions to find his successor. Supersized.

The Office Beach Games extras

The Office Beach Games quotes

Dwight: You have to point to a specific part of the body.
Michael: Right there.
Dwight: “Abdomen. Menses.”
Michael: Maybe.
Dwight: “The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.”
Michael: Not it. I don’t have eggs.

Pam: About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

Dwight: Oooh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?

Michael: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?
David: Michael, I am calling …
Michael: And Gromit.

Michael: You sigh like Jan.

Michael: It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes, you just gots to get your freak on.

Michael: I wish I had prepared something to say.
David: That’s not necessary.
Michael: May God guide you in your quest.
David: Yes.

Michael: I suggest that you all go potty now.

Meredith: Oh, I’m excited. Today is beach day. Michael is taking the whole office to the beach, so I’m wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt (flashes camera) … oh yeah, I packed it in my purse.

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don’t wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can’t swim in leather pants. (Laughs) I’m just yankin’ your chain. Not literally.

Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory, that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it … then it’ll suck.

Michael: I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people’s character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.

Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

Pam: I have the most boring job in the office, so … why wouldn’t I have the most boring job on beach day?

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Michael: Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley: Oh sweet mother of god.
Michael: If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.

Michael: We are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner!
Dwight: Yes, funtivities! I knew it wasn’t just a trip to the beach.
Michael: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm’s turning people off.
Dwight: I hope there will be management parables.

Michael: I can’t stay mad at you.

Michael: Last one down is a rotten egg!

Michael: Watch out for snakes!

Michael: We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America’s eighth largest indigenous body of water.

Michael: One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor.
Oscar: What?
Michael: Just words. Inspiring words. (Under breath) Not a contender.

Michael: Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking.

Michael: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.

Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.

Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.

Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He who must not be named? I wouldn’t do that.
Jim: Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort …

Michael: Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.

Kelly: I don’t want to hit the big rock.

Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!

Dwight: C’mon, andale, arriba, arriba!

Pam: There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh … diligent note-taking.

Dwight: Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on, you bastard!

Kelly: Can I have a turkey burger?
Michael: No, I have the only one. I claimed it.

Phyllis: Is there any mustard?
Michael: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it’ll slide down your gullet more easily.

Jim: You can’t say, or you can’t pronounce it?
Michael: The winner gets a regional manager’s salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world.
Kelly: Can we just take those first two things?
Michael: The winner of today gets my job.

Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Michael: And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs.
Kelly: Team U.S.A.!
Andy: One came up.
Michael: 13 hot dogs, everybody!

Creed: Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say “sandwich”?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying … sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Stanley: We don’t have any safety mittens.

Karen: Go get em, big boy!

Jim: Oh my god, I have never seen that look in a man’s eyes … ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.

Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I’m kind of looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for awhile. Angela thinks I can cross over. We’ll see.

Andy: Go tell them I’m floating away, obviously!
Angela: I don’t understand what you want from me.
Andy: Angela, it’s pretty simple. Look at what I’m doing, and go tell somebody it!
Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Andy: Angela!

Michael: Who’s ahead in points?
Pam: I think they’re even. At various times, you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs-up. And I don’t really know how to compare those units.
Michael: Well, check to see if there’s a conversion chart in that notebook.
Pam: I really doubt it, Michael.
Michael: Please just check.

Jim: If this job is in a well, I don’t want it.

Michael: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage?
Stanley: How so? I mean, sure thing, that sounds smart. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to sit in the bus.

Michael: The mind has to wrap around … the foot.

Michael: Being a boss is also about image. I’ve never looked like that. That was gross.

Kelly: Who’s Bob Hope?
Michael: God! He’s, he’s a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She’s from What A Girl Wants.
Michael: Oh, I love that movie.

Pam: Hey, I want to say something. I’ve been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it. Michael, you couldn’t even do that. Maybe I should be your boss. Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn’t any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It’s like sometimes, some of you act like I don’t even exist. Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we’re not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you. I shouldn’t have been with Roy, and there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn’t care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you’re with someone else, and that’s fine. It’s … whatever. That’s not what I’m … I’m not … okay my feet really hurt. The thing that I’m just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now. Yeah, it’s a good day.
Michael: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.

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