OfficeTally

Written by: B.J. Novak

Summary (NBC): Ryan goes out on his first sales call, but is taken aback by the odd series of challenges that Dwight puts before him along the way, including a sidetrip to the Schrute family beet farm. Back at the office, Pam keeps a log of Michael’s activities, while trying to help him be productive. Meanwhile, Jim begins to settle into the Stamford branch.

Tidbits

• Blogs: John the prop guy’s MySpace blog
• Reviews: TV Guide | Entertainment Weekly | Northern Attack
• While standing in line for pretzels, Kelly is trying to explain Lazy Sunday (The Chronicles of Narnia) to Michael
• The song that Jim/Andy are singing is Lovefool by The Cardigans
• The song that Kevin is singing “hey” to is Rock & Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter
• Buy Initiation at the iTunes Store

Favorite quotes

Jan: I don’t care how your day was, Michael.
Michael: Wow. Well, okay, I don’t care how your day was, either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that …
Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael: I … worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?

Michael: Never ever ever sleep with your boss. I’m so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.

Jan: Hi Pam.
Pam: Hi.
Jan: I’m great.

Pam: It’s weird. Jan used to treat Michael like he was a 10-year old. But lately, it’s like he’s five.

Dwight: So are you excited?
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight: Very excited?
Ryan: Yes. I’m very excited.
Dwight: Extremely excited? (Ryan gives Dwight a dubious look.) Just very, that’s cool.

Ryan: I … have spent a year here. And I have to commit, or get out so … Dwight’s the top salesman in the company, and he’s taking me on my first sales call today. And um, I’m excited.

Dwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn’t made a sale yet. But more importantly, he hasn’t made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker/loser/wiseass like Jim was, or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?

Ryan: So where’s the sales office?
Dwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

Michael: Hey hey hey, I love Jell-o puddin’ pops!

Dwight: Do you know where we are, temp?
Ryan: I know where we’re not.

Andy: Can you stand up, and talk to me over … there?

Andy: I’m acting my heart out here.

Pam: Once a year, they bring in a little cart, and they give away free pretzels. It’s really not a big deal. To some people it is.

Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed … in you.
Ryan: I don’t think you know what you’re saying.

Dwight: It smells pretty bad, doesn’t it?
Ryan: Uh-huh.
Dwight: It’s called bull crap, and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Ryan: Gotcha.

Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on pretzel day … well I like pretzel day.

Kelly: Who invented cupcakes, right?

Bob Vance: Whatta pair of Marys.
Stanley: This is pretzel day.

Ryan (talking to himself): “Hey Dwight, you’re a great salesman. Can you teach me?” “Sure Ryan, I’ll make you kneel in cow manure. And I’ll abandon you in a beet field.” “Oh that sounds great Dwight. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.”

Dwight: Congratulations, resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm!

Jim (singing): Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me, go on and fool me …

Karen: This is not a proportionate response.

Andy: (Singing) I don’t care ’bout anything but you. Whatever happened to those guys?

Dwight: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.

Michael: Hi. Please tell me you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel Guy: We do.
Michael: Thank god.
Pretzel Guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconut, peanut butter drizzle, oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.
Michael: Is there any way that you can do all, all of them?
Pretzel Guy: The works, you got it.
Michael: All right! Thank you!

Ryan (as Mose darts by): What was that?
Dwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your cousin Mose?
Dwight: Yes.

Dwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of the competition.
Dwight: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin’s suicide?
Ryan: Depression?
Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the Dharma Initiative?

Angela: I’m sure Dwight will protect him.
Kelly: I don’t know. Dwight’s so weird.
Angela: He is not weird. He’s just … individualistic.
Kelly: No, he’s a freak.
Angela: You’re a freak!

Dwight: What is Michael Scott’s greatest fear?
Ryan: Um, loneliness. Maybe women.
Dwight: Wrong. He’s not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted “snakes.”

Dwight: Fear is what it’s all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!

Dwight: Ryan, you don’t have to wrestle him. Ryan, just get in the coffin.

Mose: Bye Ryan. (To Dwight) He seemed nice.
Dwight: Where are all the animals?

Dwight: Mose is sorry, too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs, and some fatback bacon, and look, something he whittled!

Dwight: I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team.

Dwight: Screw gun! The sales call!

Dwight: Michael always says “K-I-S-S.” “Keep It Simple, Stupid.” Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.

Michael: I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation.

Pam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?

Michael: I think we can get a lot done, don’t you? On paper, at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much.

Ryan: They really didn’t like me.
Dwight: They did not. They didn’t have to say it to your face.

Dwight: Not everything’s a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail.

Dwight: You know what, they’re going to be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Dwight: Temp, temp, temp, temp … Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!

Dwight: Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.

Pam: Jan’s making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim: Wow. Do you think … you could send me a copy of that?
Pam: Yeah, totally.

Pam: Everything’s pretty much the same here.
Jim: Oh good.
Pam: A little different. What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? Um, we’re in the same time zone.
Pam: Ah yeah, right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don’t know. It felt far.
Jim: Yeah.

Jim: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn’t even type 90.

Jim: How do you confuse “28 Days” with “28 Days Later”?
Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don’t put the pictures on the box.

Jim: Yes, fancy new Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories …
Pam: Oh yeah, my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
Jim: And how many kitchens?
Pam: I have one kitchen.
Jim: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride, Beesly!

Jim: How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?

Stanley: 364 days. Til the next pretzel day.

Posted in The Office Season 3, The Office Quotes