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Writers: Paul Lieberstein and Michael Schur
Director: Ken Kwapis
Summary (NBC): A job opening in Corporate pits coworker against coworker as Michael, Jim, and Karen all head to New York for final interviews. In Scranton, Dwight’s new regime institutes sweeping reforms. One hour, 8-9pm.
The Office The Job extras
The Office The Job quotes
Michael: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. (On phone) Hey, Pam, yeah. I forgot what day the interview was, and I drove to New York accidentally. Be, like, three hours late.
Kevin: What’s different about you? You look worse.
Meredith: He got a haircut. It’s sexy hot.
Andy: What’s up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut. For the interview tomorrow. So that I could look presentable. And not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.
Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that, he missed my friendship, too, and I would always mean a lot to him, and I understand where he’s coming from. For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it. And it only took me three years to summon the courage. So … (bows) thank you.
Michael: Please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: But that’s my name. (Reads letter) “Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe. Don’t screw the pooch.”
Michael: Stop crying.
Pam: Um, about the beach.
Karen: It’s okay. We all say things without thinking.
Pam: Oh no, it’s not that. I’ve actually been thinking that for a long time. And I’m glad I said it. I just, I’m sorry if it made you feel weird.
Karen: Oh. Okay.
Karen: Pam is … kind of a bitch.
Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early, ’cause we want to spend the night in the city.
Michael: Why, so you could do it?
Michael: Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other. Give each other the finger. Moon each other.
Karen: Um, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael: Cruise control.
Kevin: So Jim, who do you think is hotter, Pam or Karen?
Jim: Yeah, I’m not going to talk about this now.
Kevin: Pam is taller.
Jim: You sure?
Kevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.
Kevin: But I think Karen has a prettier face.
Jim: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What else?
Kevin: Well, I mean, Pam’s face is really pretty too. It’s a very tough call.
Jim: Really tough call.
Jim: You know what? Why don’t you take the rest of the day, figure it out, and then come back, and tell me what you got.
Kevin: Will do.
Jim: All right.
Oscar: Hey Pam? I’ve been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship.
Pam: Ha, ha, that’s very funny.
Stanley: I’ve never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Kelly: Are you kidding? I would never have done that. It was patheticville. No offense, Pam.
Meredith: You know what? Don’t even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
Creed: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. Check it out.
Ryan: Last year, Creed ask me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer, and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s … pretty shocking.
Michael: There they are. The accounting department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.
Michael: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for 80% of what I paid. Sold in record time.
Dwight: How would you like to spend the night with the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Angela: No, Dwight, I don’t care if that’s how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.
Dwight: No no, not Michael. Me. I’m taking his job.
Angela: Not now. (Smiles to herself) Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.
Dwight: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
Dwight: I’m going to be your new boss. It’s my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry, we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight: I’ll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You’re not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I’m the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet.
Dwight: $80,000 a year.
Dwight: Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Michael: How are you, Janet? It’s good to see you.
Michael: Pam, DEFCON 10, Houston, we have a problem.
Pam: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
Pam: What about Meredith?
Michael: No. She’s an alternate.
Jan: I tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail.
Michael: Weird, yeah. I didn’t get both of your messages.
Pam: I really hope you get the job.
Pam: No, it’s fine. I’m sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around. That one time.
Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
Kevin: I love fake boobs. Often times you find them on strippers.
Creed: I find it offensive. Au naturelle, baby. That’s how I like ’em. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Michael: That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is emotionally magnificent.
Pam: I’m happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche, and I know saying it sounds cliche sounds cliche. Maybe I’m being cliche, I don’t care. ‘Cause I am what I am. (Thinks about it) That’s Popeye.
Dwight: How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don’t sit on it.
Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has. My brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.
Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan’s was bigger.
Michael: Love is a mystery.
Karen: I think you’re really going to enjoy this, Adult Jim.
Michael: Good night. And good luck.
Dwight: Who’s ready to work?
Karen: We don’t have a future in Scranton. There’s one too many people there.
Jim: You mean Kevin?
Jim: Who’s that?
Michael: That is Beardie.
Michael: Daddy is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.
Andy: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad.
Michael: Just say, “I want to squeeze them.” It’s code, she’ll know what it means.
Pam: So you would be the regional manager, and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two, I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight: Mmm, let’s call it secret assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely I do.
Michael: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
Dwight: When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute buck. One thousand Schrute bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
Dwight: Just zip your lid.
Dwight: There’s a new sheriff here in these offices. And his name is me.
Pam: I literally cannot wait until I see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.
Michael: It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Dwight: Don’t you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Pam: Hey, c’mon! Let’s listen to Dwight’s presentation.
Michael: Let’s just run away to Jamaica, live in a bungalow.
David: Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
David: You are clearly unstable.
Michael: Hey, you’re unstable.
Michael: No. We’re all unstable.
Andy: It’s like I’m staring into my soul when I look at this wall.
Dwight: It’s like outer space without the stars, it’s so black.
Dwight: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Jan: Good luck with your band. Don’t let them change you.
Jan: So long, [bleep].
Michael: I don’t think I could take my girlfriend’s job. That’s not being a good boyfriend.
Karen: Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self-destruction.
Michael: Well, I guess you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
Jan: I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15.
Michael: I’m back. For goooooood. Kevin Nealon.
Michael: Why is my office black?
Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael: That’s stupid.
Dwight: It was Andy’s idea.
Michael: You shouldn’t have taken it.
Michael: Ryan, coffee.
Ryan: I don’t do that stuff anymore.
Michael: No, it’s for me, bimbo. Kids.
Michael: So I’m back. And I am never, ever, going to leave. I am going nowhere.
Dwight: You served the office with great dignity.
Pam: No, I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m optimistic. And I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I are just too similar. Maybe one day I’ll find my own Karen. But, you, that is a, um, you know, not … a man. A man version. But uh, until then, I can hold my head up. I’m not gay.
Jim: So is the question how’d I get to be so awesome?
Jim: How are your feet?
Pam: Medium rare. Thanks.
Jim: The real reason that I went to Stamford was because I wanted to be … not here.
Pam: I know.
Jim: And even though I came back, I just feel like I’ve never really come back.
Pam: Well I wish you would.
Pam: I haven’t heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that’s okay. We’re friends. And I’m sure we’ll stay friends. We just … we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It’s okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally …
Jim: Pam. (To camera) Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Jim: All right. Then it’s a date.
Pam: I’m sorry, what was the question?
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: Nobody. You and I are done.
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