The Office: The Merger, 3.08

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the office the merger jim pam

Writer: Brent Forrester, Director: Ken Whittingham

Summary (NBC): The Scranton branch and the Stamford branch of Dunder-Mifflin are merged, bringing old friends Jim and Pam back together after months apart. The original airing of this episode was supersized.

The Office The Merger extras

The Office The Merger quotes

Andy: Playin’ your cards close to the vest? I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Jim: Sounds good, Andy.

Karen: Hey, is that Josh’s computer?
Andy: What?

Dwight: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight (scoffs): I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight: Yeah, well, my feet don’t. And I could still crush that time.

Dwight: Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake.

Dwight: I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don’t know. I did just make him run around the building, and I have no intention of timing him. This isn’t even a stopwatch, it’s a digital thermometer.

Pam: I should probably get back to work.

Michael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Saint Bernard …

Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Michael: Make it look nice. As if you were trying to impress a much older man who’s way out of your league.

Pam: That’s always a thing that makes people happy. To have an old friend back.

Michael: As far as I’m concerned (holds up ‘World’s Best Boss’ mug), this says ‘World’s Best Dad.’

Michael (in robot voice): Take-me-to-your-leader. Oh-wait,-I-am-your-leader.
Karen: Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?

Michael: Wow, you are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I., or … ?

Andy: I’ll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks.

Andy: I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Andy: Hello.
Michael: Ah, you must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Andy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and … hello.
Michael (laughing): Ah ha! Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Andy: Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom … Mike. Nifty!
Michael: They are nifty! They’re nifty gifties.

Michael: You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likeable way about him.

Michael: Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Not …

Jim: Hi, I’m Jim. I’m new here.
Pam: Oh my god. It’s really you!
Jim: I was just doing a little joke there, about how we’d never met …
Pam: I know. I don’t care.
Jim: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
Pam: It’s really good to see you.
Jim: You too.

Jim: Where do I stand with Pam? Um … no idea. I mean, we’re friends, always have been friends, um, that is where we stand.

Dwight: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.

Dwight: Fact — I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.

Dwight: Meet my eye line, Jim!

Ryan: Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That’s why I got the desk.

Kevin: In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.

Dwight: Hello. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of sales.
Dwight: So you’ll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight: My title has ‘manager’ in it.
Andy: And I’m a director. Which on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight: I know everything about film. I’ve seen over 240 of them.
Andy: Congratulations.

Michael: It’s not matter of more or less. Your pay is just different.

Kelly: Oh my god, I have so much to tell you!
Jim: Really?
Kelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? — they had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are a-mazing.
Jim: Great. What’s new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.
Jim: What’s new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.

Michael: For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.

Michael: This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.

Michael: Cell phones and pagers off, please.

Michael: So let’s just all laugh together and watch ‘Lazy Scranton.’

Jim: It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day — The Scranton Witch Project.

Michael: I am so scared! — when people don’t label their personal food.

Andy: Hey buddy, anything new to report?
Dwight: You mean, to me, from you? Cause that’s how it works.

Andy: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes.

Hannah: Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
Ryan: I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s a little distracting.
Creed: Ditto that, my brother.

Michael: What is that, a squid’s eye?

Karen: It smells like a funeral home.

Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It’s made from real pine.

Phyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.

Michael: I don’t know what I’m grabbin’ here!

Michael: You can’t quit on the first day. That’s heresy, my friend!

Michael: Don’t bother quitting. Because you’re fired.

Michael: Take your bad vibes with you.

Andy: Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win … the next battle.

Michael: Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.

Michael: Can’t we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King?

Michael: The word ‘merger’ comes from the word ‘marriage.’ And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff, and once again, it becomes my job to fix it.

Karen: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Jim: Does he ever.

Michael: We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators!

Michael (reading note): “You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck!”

Michael: This is egregious! This is egregious.

Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.

Michael: Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that’ll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

Michael: So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new number two.

Andy: I saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot, what does it get, like four miles to the gallon?
Dwight: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra’s pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight: Xterra’s not even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is. It’s Latin for “earth.”
Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?
Andy: Yeah.
Dwight: That makes sense. I’d rather drive a classic Trans Am than an XEarth.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called and wants its car back.
Dwight: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine ’cause I drive an 87.
Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and guess what, nobody came.
Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don’t you go ahead and go die.
Andy: Oh, that was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
Dwight: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I’d be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy (fake coughing): Idiot!
Dwight (fake coughing): You’re the idiot!
Andy (fake coughing): Nice comeback!
Dwight (fake coughing): I was making fun of your comeback! That’s why it worked. (Andy leaves in disgust.) I totally got the best of that interchange. (Coughs for real.)

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