The Office: The Negotiation, 3.19

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The Office The Negotiation

Writer: Michael Schur, Director: Jeffrey Blitz

Summary (NBC): Darryl meets with Michael to negotiate a pay increase. Jim deals with the consequences of Pam’s confession to Roy. Supersized.


The Office The Negotiation extras

The Office The Negotiation quotes

Karen: Oh my god. You’re like agoraphobic.
Jim: Agoraphobic.
Karen: Yeah!
Jim: Really?
Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Jim: Absolutely correct.

Dwight: Pam. Please call security!

Dwight: Every day, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well. Who’s laughing now?

Michael: No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Jan: Are you going to take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about “yeppers”?
Michael: I don’t remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Ye–sh.

Pam: I really don’t want to talk about it. I don’t mean to be rude, but I just, I don’t want to comment on what happened. It sucked.

Jim: I guess, all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.

Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you. For stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight: “Thank you” not necessary, and thus not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.

Dwight: Don’t want it. Won’t open it. Don’t need it. Won’t take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.

Jim: It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.

Dwight: No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Angela: You saw it? Describe it please.

Angela: Well … good for Dwight.

Michael: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.

Jim (under his breath): Sex. Steve Martin. Teri Hatcher.
Michael: What?
Jim: What?
Michael: No, what did you say?
Jim: I didn’t say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.

Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Ryan: I can’t imagine what I would’ve done.
Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like the time we were on the ferris wheel and that kid dropped a milkshake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan: Well that was funny, that’s why.
Kelly: Oh it was? Okay, well the next time that you get scared that you think a murderer is in your apartment in the middle of the night …
Ryan: Okay …
Kelly: … and you call me to calm down.
Ryan: … you know what, I didn’t …
Toby: Can you stop?
Kelly: You can just call somebody else because I’m not doing it anymore, Ryan, I’m not.
Ryan: Well don’t talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night for no good reason.
Toby: There’s a bunch of people back here maybe …
Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you tell that I love you.
Toby: Guys …

Toby: I don’t think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that … wow. Genius.

Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws ’em off.

Michael: Number 14. Declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.

Michael: I am declining to speak first.

Darryl: Are you wearing lady clothes? Those look like lady pants.
Michael: No. This is a power suit.
Darryl: That there’s a woman’s suit.
Michael: I do not buy women’s clothes. Would not make that mistake again.

Michael: Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman’s suit.
Pam: Omigod, that’s a woman’s suit!

Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes. And everybody was rifling through them, like crazy. And I grabbed one. And it fit. So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least, it’s bisexual.

Kevin: Who makes it?
Michael: Um, MISSterious. And it is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side. That’s the mystery.

Pam: Michael, the pants don’t have any pockets.
Michael: No, they don’t, see? Italians don’t wear pockets.

Pam: It’s been a really rough couple of days. This helps a little.

Darryl: Yeah, he looks like Hillary Clinton.

Michael: I made one tiny mistake. I wore women’s clothes.

Kevin: So Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend’s ass over another woman?
Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.

Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I’m not sure which one Jim hated more.

Michael: You make a very compelling argument.

Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed.
Jim: Yeah. That was nuts.
Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It’s just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
Jim: No, I mean you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam: Not anymore. It’s um, it’s completely over now.
Jim (chuckles): We’ll see. I’m sure you guys’ll find your way back to one another someday.
Pam: Jim … I am really sorry.
Jim: Oh yeah, don’t worry about it.

Michael: … every year, I get a $100 gas card. Can’t put a price tag on that!

Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?

Jim: It’s like when he annoys me, and I want to screw with him to get him back. He never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he’s like an eel. I just can’t grab onto him. It’s infuriating.
Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim: Well … yes, that’s probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen: Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.

Creed: Here’s the $40 you gave me.
Michael: I didn’t give you $40.
Creed: In a way you did.

Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he’s way overpaid.

Michael: Okay, here’s the straight dope. No tricks, no Wikipedia.
Darryl: What?

Darryl: You gotta get out there and earn, son.

Darryl: You gotta call your girl … and get paid. Show who wears the pants in the relationship.

Darryl: Make it happen, Cap’n!
Michael: I’m makin’ it happen … Sergeant.

Creed: So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter …
Angela: You’re useless.

Kelly: You are so mean.
Ryan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid.
Michael: Toby, c’mon, let’s go.
Toby: Where?
Michael: Where? — I’m gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. C’mon, let’s go.
Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Toby: All right.
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don’t you see why that’s insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I’m crazy now?

Michael: Don’t ever touch a black man’s radio!

Kelly: Dunder Mifflin Customer Service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah, I can totally help you with that. Okay, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, twelve reams …

Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don’t forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.

Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise. I … just can’t help myself.

Kevin: Jim! Roy. Look out!
Jim: Thanks Kev! I’m … good, though.

Michael: So who’s the boy toy?
Jan: That’s my new assistant.
Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?

Michael: It’d be nice to get a memo. We are lovers.

Michael: You give me a good raise, or no more sex. What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.

Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case … when it inevitably goes to trial.

Roy: I’m so sorry, Pammy.

Roy: I just thought you guys were really good friends, or … maybe he was gay or something. Not that that’s wrong.

Pam: I think that we both made some bad choices.

Roy: You mean you’re not even going to try to go out with him? I don’t get you, Pam.
Pam: I know.

Dwight: Look, there’s a teddy bear in a policeman’s cap.
Jim (under his breath): I didn’t think you’d notice …

Michael: Why don’t you just take that pen and stab me in the heart?

Jan: What’s wrong with you?
Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Michael: All right, Levinson. Here’s the rub.

Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth, give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win-win-win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It’s about … perks. Like having sex with Jan.
Jan: Michael!

Jim: I … will never say a word. And now … we are even.

Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell — on time. Now I’m back, got a second chance, and I’m not going to blow it. So look out, Dunder Mifflin! I mean “look out” in a fun way. You know, not like, “I’m going to hurt you.”

Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who’s a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That’s a hero. Also Bono.

Icon courtesy of pessimistreader.

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