The Office: Business School, 3.17

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The Office Business School

Writer: Brent Forrester, Director: Joss Whedon

Summary (NBC): Ryan invites Michael to speak at his business school. Dwight battles a bat that gets loose in the office. Pam invites co-workers to her first art show.

The Office Business School extras

The Office Business School quotes

Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So … I’d be stupid not to do it, right?

Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us. And he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um, and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Michael: What’s the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?
Dwight: “Don’t be an idiot.” Changed my life.

Dwight: Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Michael: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan: What?
Michael: A lot of times, at a school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: You understand nobody’s graduating?

Michael: May your hats fly as high as your dreams.

Michael: Relax, spazzy boy.

Pam: I’m really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. Is that braggy? I don’t mean it to be braggy.

Jim: Pam’s with Roy. I’m with Karen. And Brangelina is with Frangelina. Moving on.

Kelly: I can’t believe you’re back together with Roy!
Pam: Oh yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly: Oh my god. You’re so in love now.

Michael: Campus. Brings back so many memories. That I would have made.

Michael: What do you say we get our Fris on before class?

Dwight: Oh my god. Animal stool.

Pam: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that’s quite all right with you.

Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window. If we had windows that could open.

Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!

Jim: I feel so … tingly. So strangely powerful.

Michael: You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons. And then you will have a book that is worth its weight in gold. I know these are expensive. But the lesson is priceless.

Michael: There are four kinds of business. Tourism. Food service. Railroads. And sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Karen: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.

Dwight: One crisis at a time.

Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a “-sylvania.” Like Penn-sylvania. Now that doesn’t mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

Michael: You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be a thingamajig. Or a whosi-whatsi. Or … a “Whatchamacallit.” Now, you need to sell those in order to have a “PayDay.” And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a “100 Grand.” Satisfied?

Toby: Well, it’s important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.

Michael: The more stickers you sell, the more profit — fancy word for money — you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.

Michael: We can’t overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay?

Karen: Hey Jim, here’s the aspirin you wanted.
Jim: Oh thank god. I have such a headache from the glare.
Karen: What glare?
Jim: The glare off Angela’s crucifix? — it’s blinding.

Dwight: I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

Dwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions.
Dwight: We form an allegiance …
Creed: Sure.
Dwight: … to use sudden violence.
Creed: Okay.
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?

Kelly: You better not hurt that little bat.
Creed: Animals can’t feel pain.
Kelly: Don’t hurt that bat, Creed! It’s a living thing with feelings and a family!

Kelly: Kill it kill it kill it!

Kevin: I … am a hero.

Michael: Yeah sure, you know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower.

Michael: David will always beat Goliath.

Michael: You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning. So do we just give up?

Michael: Ryan has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he’s a tease. Well you know what? He doesn’t know anything, and neither do you. So suck on that!

Ryan: It wasn’t personal.
Michael: Business is always personal. It’s the most personal thing in the world.

Creed: Good night, Mary Beth!

Jim: I’m going to go home and lie down. Draw the shades. There’s just so much sun in here. Bye, Dwight.
Dwight: Goodbye, Jim. And good luck.

Dwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey. And I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.

Roy: How ’bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and no one from work is here. That’s pretty cool, huh?

Dwight: You’re welcome.

Roy: Your art was the prettiest art of all the art.

Michael: Fire you? No no no. You are moving to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where Kelly is?

Michael: A good manager doesn’t fire people. He hires people and inspires people. People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.

Gil: Real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar: Well, those aren’t Pam’s strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That’s why this is motel art.

Michael: Pam-casso. Sorry I’m late.

Michael: You did these freehand?
Pam: Yep.
Michael: My god, these could be tracings!

Michael: I am really proud of you.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: What?
Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael: A Chunky. Do you want half?

Michael: It is a message. It is an inspiration. It is a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless you had a camera.

Kelly: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god …
Ryan: It’s only temporary, okay? Don’t get excited.
Kelly: I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t …

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