The Office: Cocktails, 3.18

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The Office Cocktails

Writer: Paul Lieberstein, Director: J.J. Abrams

Summary (NBC): Michael and Jan go public with their relationship during a party at their CFO’s home. The rest of the office goes to happy hour for drinks.

The Office Cocktails extras

The Office Cocktails quotes

Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school.

Michael: And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage.

Michael: Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key …

Michael: C’mon guys, early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends?

Michael: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam: No. No.
Dwight: Let me smell.
Michael exhales loudly.
Dwight: Good, not great.

Michael: Tonight is so special because my boss’ boss’ boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company, and Jan and I are going as a couple, for the first time. So it’s kind of our coming out party, really. And that is why tonight is so special.

Michael: Jimbo, last chance carpool.

Jim: Why don’t I wanna go … didn’t expect to need a reason. So let me think here … I don’t know any of these people. It’s an obligation. I don’t like talking paper in my free time, (softly) or in my work time. And … did I use the word pointless?

Michael: Hey-wo, you!

Jan: Let’s just blow this party off.
Michael: That’s what she said!

Jan: Okay, let’s just go a motel and, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.

Pam: Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I’m serious. If you’re going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.

Pam: I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m going to start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ’cause ol’ Pammie is getting what she wants. And don’t call me Pammie.

Dwight: You’re dressed exactly like the servants.

Dwight: Crisis averted.

Pam: That duck is so cute!

Michael: Actually, it’s polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend.

Michael (whispering): It’s been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise … just … you never know.

Pam: Kevin, you and Stacey set a date yet?
Kevin: Yeah.
Kelly: Omigod, when is it?
Kevin: It’s complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.

Kelly: You should get a round, Ryan.

Dwight: Oh you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.

Jan: It releases the company in the event that our relationship in your opinion or in reality interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael: Awesome. I’m going to frame mine. I could frame yours, too.
Jan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can’t sue the company?
Michael: Over our love.
Jan: I never told you that I love you.
Michael: You don’t have to, Jan. This contract says it all.

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside, I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse into myself like a dying star.

Jan: Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my god. What am I saying?

Michael: I love this woman!

Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Party guest: No.
Dwight: No? Then you’re an idiot.

Michael: Rachel, boy, you clean up good.

Michael: Jan and I are lovers. I feel so good to finally say that out loud.

Karen: Yeah, I’m the only one left. Everybody else was either fired or quit. And there’s one in anger management.

Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, that’s not appropriate.
David: I don’t know.
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?

Dwight: Cool, let’s start with the banisters.

David: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. 20-year old single malt Scotch.
Michael: Here’s to Mr. Iacocca, and his failed experiment, the DeLorean.

Michael (coughing): Do you have some ice?
David: Sure.
Michael: How ’bout some Splenda?

Roy: 1, 2, 3, up Jenkins!

Kevin: Good thing you didn’t listen to me.
Ryan: Yeah, close one.

Roy: I can read you like a book.
Pam: Oh yeah?
Roy: You can’t keep anything from me.

Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff’s station.

Dwight: These studs are way too far apart.

Dwight: Are those real pearls?

Karen: Well if you were wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it’s because I kind of saw him for a little bit when they were separated.

Michael: Wow, this one really smells like vanilla.

Michael: You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.

Michael: Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Jan: Shut up.

Michael: What has gotten into you? No, no, no, no!
Jan: What?
Michael: Come on, let’s go back to the party.
Jan: Come on, wait, let me just do my dress.
Michael: Don’t take that — no! Stop it. Stop it. Jan, no, no, no, no!
Jan: Michael!
Michael: No means please don’t.
Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael: I’m not going to slam you against anything.
Jan: Oh please, I want you so —
Michael: You’re acting inapproriate.
Jan: I’m acting inappropriate? Forget it, get out of my way.

Pam: Hey, don’t you have a daughter?
Toby: Yes.

Dwight: Oh good, you’re up. Hey who makes this chair?
David’s son: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: Hmm. I want one. Really good solid construction. It’s comfortable. What is this? Oak?
David’s son: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?

Jim: You stay here and have fun, ’cause I’m gonna go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Okay! Oh, don’t mention that you and I are dating, ’cause I think he may still have feelings for me.
Jim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? (Karen laughs.) Wow. Okay. You got me.
Karen: I so got you.
Jim: So none of them?
Karen: Of course not. I mean, you’re kind of like, my first.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Omigod, it’s so easy …
Jim: Okay.
Karen: … it’s not even fun.

Karen: Hey Jan.
Jan: Not too good.

Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad. And I just picked it up at the supermarket. It’s funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good. It’s just potatoes and mayonnaise. There’s something wrong with Jan.

David: What’s with Jan and Michael?
Jim: I don’t know. Where to begin …

Dwight: The chimney’s in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawlspace and some structural flaws in the foundation, so … all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Roy: What?
Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy: That’s awesome. That’s what I want.
Pam: Okay, but in order for us to make it, there can’t be any secrets between us.
Roy: I didn’t do anything, ask anybody, I totally could have, but I didn’t at all.
Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night, about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy: What?
Pam: He told me how he felt, and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy: Jim came on to you?
Pam: Just listen.
Roy: No, I am listening. That’s the problem, I’m listening!
Pam: Don’t yell!
Roy: Don’t yell?!
Pam: This is over.
Roy: Yeah, you’re right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam? Come on!

Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle.
Jan: I feel sick.
Michael: You didn’t have any of the potato salad, did you?
Jan: You know, we were good when we were just running around. You know? In secret, it was wrong, and it was exciting, and maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael: Well, if that’s the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan: Michael, please don’t cry.

Michael: I want the house, Jan, I want the picket fence, I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling, and the giggling.

Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.
Dwight: Don’t break up, you guys. You’re great together.

Roy: I’m gonna kill Jim Halpert.

Icon courtesy of _klotera.

649 comments

  1. 6 weeks until the next episode and since the show runs in real-time, will the fight be settled by a talking head?

    Good but not great episode.

    Fancy New Beesley has finally arrived!

  2. jim…if you read this dont go to work….roy is going to kill you…..WTF…..
    roy needs to join andy in anger management school…freak……

  3. This episode was hilarious. LOVED Dwight in the backseat during the MAN fight… was totally not expecting it. Overall, a great addition to THE OFFICE!!!

  4. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Jim’s gonna get beat down! At least it’s nice to know that Roy is out of Pam’s life forever now. Psycho……

    Also, poor Michael. He just wants to be loved.

    And yes, I was secretly hoping that Karen was a nymphomaniac psychopath. Too bad.

Comments are closed.