The Office: Cocktails, 3.18

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The Office Cocktails

Writer: Paul Lieberstein, Director: J.J. Abrams

Summary (NBC): Michael and Jan go public with their relationship during a party at their CFO’s home. The rest of the office goes to happy hour for drinks.

The Office Cocktails extras

The Office Cocktails quotes

Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school.

Michael: And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage.

Michael: Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key …

Michael: C’mon guys, early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends?

Michael: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam: No. No.
Dwight: Let me smell.
Michael exhales loudly.
Dwight: Good, not great.

Michael: Tonight is so special because my boss’ boss’ boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company, and Jan and I are going as a couple, for the first time. So it’s kind of our coming out party, really. And that is why tonight is so special.

Michael: Jimbo, last chance carpool.

Jim: Why don’t I wanna go … didn’t expect to need a reason. So let me think here … I don’t know any of these people. It’s an obligation. I don’t like talking paper in my free time, (softly) or in my work time. And … did I use the word pointless?

Michael: Hey-wo, you!

Jan: Let’s just blow this party off.
Michael: That’s what she said!

Jan: Okay, let’s just go a motel and, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.

Pam: Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I’m serious. If you’re going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.

Pam: I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m going to start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ’cause ol’ Pammie is getting what she wants. And don’t call me Pammie.

Dwight: You’re dressed exactly like the servants.

Dwight: Crisis averted.

Pam: That duck is so cute!

Michael: Actually, it’s polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend.

Michael (whispering): It’s been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise … just … you never know.

Pam: Kevin, you and Stacey set a date yet?
Kevin: Yeah.
Kelly: Omigod, when is it?
Kevin: It’s complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.

Kelly: You should get a round, Ryan.

Dwight: Oh you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.

Jan: It releases the company in the event that our relationship in your opinion or in reality interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael: Awesome. I’m going to frame mine. I could frame yours, too.
Jan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can’t sue the company?
Michael: Over our love.
Jan: I never told you that I love you.
Michael: You don’t have to, Jan. This contract says it all.

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside, I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse into myself like a dying star.

Jan: Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my god. What am I saying?

Michael: I love this woman!

Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Party guest: No.
Dwight: No? Then you’re an idiot.

Michael: Rachel, boy, you clean up good.

Michael: Jan and I are lovers. I feel so good to finally say that out loud.

Karen: Yeah, I’m the only one left. Everybody else was either fired or quit. And there’s one in anger management.

Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, that’s not appropriate.
David: I don’t know.
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?

Dwight: Cool, let’s start with the banisters.

David: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. 20-year old single malt Scotch.
Michael: Here’s to Mr. Iacocca, and his failed experiment, the DeLorean.

Michael (coughing): Do you have some ice?
David: Sure.
Michael: How ’bout some Splenda?

Roy: 1, 2, 3, up Jenkins!

Kevin: Good thing you didn’t listen to me.
Ryan: Yeah, close one.

Roy: I can read you like a book.
Pam: Oh yeah?
Roy: You can’t keep anything from me.

Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff’s station.

Dwight: These studs are way too far apart.

Dwight: Are those real pearls?

Karen: Well if you were wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it’s because I kind of saw him for a little bit when they were separated.

Michael: Wow, this one really smells like vanilla.

Michael: You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.

Michael: Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Jan: Shut up.

Michael: What has gotten into you? No, no, no, no!
Jan: What?
Michael: Come on, let’s go back to the party.
Jan: Come on, wait, let me just do my dress.
Michael: Don’t take that — no! Stop it. Stop it. Jan, no, no, no, no!
Jan: Michael!
Michael: No means please don’t.
Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael: I’m not going to slam you against anything.
Jan: Oh please, I want you so —
Michael: You’re acting inapproriate.
Jan: I’m acting inappropriate? Forget it, get out of my way.

Pam: Hey, don’t you have a daughter?
Toby: Yes.

Dwight: Oh good, you’re up. Hey who makes this chair?
David’s son: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: Hmm. I want one. Really good solid construction. It’s comfortable. What is this? Oak?
David’s son: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?

Jim: You stay here and have fun, ’cause I’m gonna go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Okay! Oh, don’t mention that you and I are dating, ’cause I think he may still have feelings for me.
Jim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? (Karen laughs.) Wow. Okay. You got me.
Karen: I so got you.
Jim: So none of them?
Karen: Of course not. I mean, you’re kind of like, my first.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Omigod, it’s so easy …
Jim: Okay.
Karen: … it’s not even fun.

Karen: Hey Jan.
Jan: Not too good.

Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad. And I just picked it up at the supermarket. It’s funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good. It’s just potatoes and mayonnaise. There’s something wrong with Jan.

David: What’s with Jan and Michael?
Jim: I don’t know. Where to begin …

Dwight: The chimney’s in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawlspace and some structural flaws in the foundation, so … all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Roy: What?
Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy: That’s awesome. That’s what I want.
Pam: Okay, but in order for us to make it, there can’t be any secrets between us.
Roy: I didn’t do anything, ask anybody, I totally could have, but I didn’t at all.
Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night, about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy: What?
Pam: He told me how he felt, and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy: Jim came on to you?
Pam: Just listen.
Roy: No, I am listening. That’s the problem, I’m listening!
Pam: Don’t yell!
Roy: Don’t yell?!
Pam: This is over.
Roy: Yeah, you’re right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam? Come on!

Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle.
Jan: I feel sick.
Michael: You didn’t have any of the potato salad, did you?
Jan: You know, we were good when we were just running around. You know? In secret, it was wrong, and it was exciting, and maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael: Well, if that’s the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan: Michael, please don’t cry.

Michael: I want the house, Jan, I want the picket fence, I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling, and the giggling.

Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.
Dwight: Don’t break up, you guys. You’re great together.

Roy: I’m gonna kill Jim Halpert.

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