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Writer: Mindy Kaling, Director: Miguel Arteta
Summary (NBC): Michael encourages the Scranton branch to attend a local celebration of Diwali, the Hindu Festival of Lights.
The Office Diwali extras
The Office Diwali quotes
Michael (snickering): Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly: It’s not a dress. It’s a kurta.
Michael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, (silly high voice) it’s … blah blah blah … it’s so super fun, and it’s gonna be great, lot of gods with unpronounceable names, twenty minutes you find out it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.
Michael: How come you didn’t get me one?
Meredith: Do you wanna make appletinis and watch Sex in the City at my place?
Kelly: I mean I thought we were really close friends.
Dwight: Maybe you’ve got mono.
Kevin (tittering): Oh, you mean, like is Pam going?
Angela: Don’t go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael: Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up. Because I am sure they are very tasty. And nutritional.
Michael (to Stanley): Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley: I don’t celebrate Kwanzaa.
Michael: … I don’t want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend Carol.
Michael: So without further adieu, Kelly! You are on.
Kelly: Um, Diwali is awesome. And there’s food, and there’s going to be dancing. And oh, I got the raddest outfit. It has, um, sparkles …
Michael: Kelly? Um, why don’t you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday?
Kelly: Oh, um, I don’t know, it’s really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Angela: And that blue, busty gal — what’s her story?
Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Dwight: Pam wishes.
Dwight: Kelly, I’ll take this one. Diwali is a celebration of the coronation god king Rama after his epic battle with Ravena, the demon king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael: All right, all right. This isn’t Lord of the Rings.
Jim: I started biking to work. Josh does it. And he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also, it saves gas money, it keeps me in shape, helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.
Karen: Nice basket.
Jim: Thank you!
Michael: Apu, from The Simpsons. Hilarious Indian.
Dwight: I see dead people.
Michael: Okay! Spoiler alert.
Dwight: He was dead the whole time.
Michael: Just stop it!
Chip dude: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your … skinny little arms …
Karen: Oh. Did you shake it?
Chip dude: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it …
Andy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim: Excuse me?
Andy: Rollercoastery friendship. Hot and cold. On again, off again. Sexual tension-filled type of deal. It’s very Sam and Diane.
Andy: From Cheers.
Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you The Kama Sutra. I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have, that’s the union of the monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that’s what they call it.
Kevin: This is the best meeting we have ever had.
Michael: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael: Well, I find it beautiful.
Michael: No, this is delightful, charming culture.
Michael: My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It’s just sex, people. Everybody does it. I’m doing it with Carol. Probably tonight.
Josh: Now Karen, let’s keep it to $20 a person this time.
Andy: You guys ready to party?
Phyllis: Isn’t this fun, not wearing shoes?
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it. It’s a disease. I’ve … told you.
Kevin (tittering at Carol): Nice outfit.
Angela: I’m a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Buffet dude: It’s all vegetarian.
Angela: I’ll just have some bread. (As she’s walking away) You used your hands.
Michael: These smores are disgusting.
Carol: They’re not smores. They’re samosas.
Michael: Do you think they have any smores?
Michael: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?
Kelly: Leave him alone! I hate you guys.
Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff.
Pam (as she’s getting her hand stamped): That’s very official.
Pam: I feel a little underdressed. But at least I’m not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?
Kelly’s mom: Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wali is a whole doctor. So handsome, makes good money.
Kelly’s dad: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael: Who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?
Carol: This is our ninth date, Michael.
Michael: I feel like I’ve known you many lifetimes. Maybe I’m Hindu after all. Okay, I’m not Hindu.
Ryan: Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So, um, the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly’s mom: So you’re saving money now to start a family and home?
Ryan: Oh, um, or travel. And, um, and buy an Xbox.
Kelly’s dad: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Pam: How’s the naan?
Angela: Dry. You looked like you were having fun.
Pam: I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela: I have to watch our shoes, so they don’t get stolen.
Andy (singing): I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children …
Karen: Andy, no a’cappella!
Andy: I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain …
Andy and Jim: There’s more than one answer, to your questions, pointing me in crooked line …
Andy: Wait, wait …
Andy and Jim: … the less I seek my source …
Karen: Oh come on guys, please.
Andy and Jim: … the closer I am to fine, closer I am to fine …
Karen: It’s not good.
Andy: Tuna?! Are you kidding me?!!!
Michael: We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael: I was in that marriage … arena, though.
Pam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight, too.
Pam: What are you doing?
Michael: What are you doing?
Pam: I’m rejecting your kiss.
Michael: Can I have a ride home?
Pam: If you sit in the back.
Karen: Hey, dummy, get in the car.
Jim: And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that’s alright.
Karen: Sure! Here’s your bag. Just don’t puke on anything. (Gets in car) You okay?
Jim: So good.
Michael: These are not my shoes.
Michael: This is just like that show, Taxi Cab Confessions.
Pam: You say one more word, I’m stopping the car.
The Diwali Song
A festival of lights
Let me tell you something
Tonight has been
One crazy night …
So put on your saris
It’s time to celebrate Diwali
Everybody looks so jolly
But it’s not Christmas, it’s Diwali
The goddess of destruction, Kali
Stopped by to celebrate Diwali
Don’t invite any zombies
To our celebration of Diwali
Along came Polly
To have some fun at Diwali
If you’re Indian and you love to party
Have a happy, happy
Happy, happy Diwali!
Icon courtesy of brandyhall_art.