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Writer: B.J. Novak, Director: Harold Ramis
Summary (NBC): It’s safety training day, and Michael and Dwight are on a mission to illuminate the true dangers of the workplace. Andy returns to the office after several weeks of anger management training.
The Office Safety Training extras
The Office Safety Training quotes
Andy: Apology not accepted. Because it wasn’t even necessary in the first place.
Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. But after five weeks in anger management, I’m back. And I’ve got a new attitude, and a new name. And … a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.
Andy: You can call me Drew.
Jim: No, I’m not gonna call you that.
Andy: Cool. I can’t control what you do, I can only control what I do.
Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay, tell him that that’s not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim: Andy … nah, that’s too far.
Dwight: Damn you.
Michael: We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Darryl: Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can and I have.
Darryl: No no no no no no. I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It’s not safe. You don’t have a license.
Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge: No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Darryl: We do safety training every year. Or after an accident. We’ve never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled …
Michael: “Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?”
Darryl: I’m legitimately scared for my workers.
Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bal ‘er? I hardly know her.
Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man?
Michael: It’s a big red trash compactor.
Darryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Michael: That’s like a half an hour every hour.
Darryl: Take them at the same time.
Michael: Like sometimes computers can explode. Can they not?
Toby: You always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long-sleeved tee?
Toby: Well, that’ll work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shawl?
Michael: I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom.
Darryl: Thank god we only had the baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain’t it?
Michael: “A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary lifestyle, which can contribute … ”
Michael: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That’s called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: No, no, it’s …
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That’s fat butt disease. That’s what you suffering from? Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: I bet you’d like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn’t you?
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please, apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?
Darryl: This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little Nerfy life. Sittin’ on your biscuit. Never havin’ to risk it.
Michael: What, Nerf isn’t cool anymore?
Michael: I worked in a warehouse. Men’s Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I’d like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make ’em feel like wimps.
Pam: I don’t know how the whole betting thing started, but it’s fun.
Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
Jim: Okay … okay.
Kevin: No constantly, like, for years.
Michael: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam: I don’t understand the question.
Michael: Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler.
Michael: You don’t go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball. Your hair sticks up straight. And you know science.
Pam: So you’re okay?
Michael: You know what our killer is? Depression.
Dwight: Visual aids.
Dwight: A quilt — depression quilt?
Michael: No time to sew a quilt.
Michael: You may be asking yourself, “What am I doing on a trampoline?”
Michael: Nice side note, they might think, hey, I should have been nicer to Michael. But that’s not why I’m doing this.
Michael: Tah freakin’ dah!
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four. Number six becomes number five. Number three becomes number two. Etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again. But it’s at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what’ll I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go “click, click, click,” and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot.
Kelly: You’re such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done, two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Michael: Maybe we should test this first. Letterman-style.
Michael: Go buy some watermelons.
Toby: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Karen: I don’t know this place as well as I thought I did. I’m getting cleaned out.
Michael: Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it’s Stanley’s, call the offices of James P. Albini. See if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight: Got it.
Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline. Stick it in the baler.
Dwight: We’re not allowed to use the baler.
Michael: Have Patch do it, or the sea monster.
Dwight: I’m on it!
Dwight: I’m temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.
Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight-year old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael: This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight: Michael is awesome, jumpin’ off the roof, bouncin’ on a bouncy bounce, show ’em who’s boss! Rip a hole in the sun!
Dwight: Hey guys, listen up. Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy: Whoa, what’s the situation?
Dwight: Un-shun. I think he’s suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Okay, when’s this shunning thing going to end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It’s gorgeous. Let’s go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No, really, it’s very nice. C’mon!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve tee?
Dwight: Everyone’s going to be fine in exactly what they’re wearing. Let’s go!
Michael: The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight: Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling “bummed out”?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Michael: My head is in such pain and turmoil!
Dwight: Attention blue collar workers!
Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee. Oh excuse me. It’s my favorite part.
Dwight: They found the castle, Michael.
Michael: Damn it.
Jim: He’s going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.
Jim: Hey, Michael, don’t jump on the bouncy castle.
Dwight: It’s a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They’re only available in Japan.
Darryl: What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely, Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.
Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.
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