Summary (NBC): After Dwight’s fire safety seminar goes awry, he must make amends to the stressed-out office. Michael tries a number of ways to get his employees to relax before discovering that he is the number one stressor at work. So that people won’t feel afraid of him, he insists on a no-holds-barred roast of himself. While watching a pirated movie, Andy is convinced that Jim and Pam are film gurus. One-hour long, follows Super Bowl. Read more about this episode here. Guest stars: Cloris Leachman, Jack Black, Jessica Alba.
Dwight: It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring.
Dwight: Today, smoking is going to save lives.
Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again?
Michael: Stay f*cking calm!
Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Oscar: Stay alive, I’m getting help!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds!
Angela: Save Bandit!
Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenalin to sharpen your decision-making!
Dwight: It’s not real, Stanley. Don’t have a heart attack!
Michael: Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley!
Dwight: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Michael: Electricity. Dwight: Shampoo.
Dwight: I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart.
Michael: I’m not a mind reader, David.
Michael: We should take a part of his pay and donate it to the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn’t like. Dwight: PETA.
Dwight: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
Michael: An office is for not dying.
Michael: An office is a place where dreams come true.
Stanley: If I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. I’m going to die.
Michael: No rest for the sick.
Stanley: I feel like I’m working in my own casket.
Michael: C’mon, Stanley! You’re losing you!
Michael: No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don’t do anything.
Michael: I will divide and then count to it.
Creed: You were in the parking lot earlier! That’s how I know you!
Creed: He has no wallet. I checked.
David: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Michael: We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes, and now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Andy: Hope you brought your appetitos, m’lady, m’tuna.
Pam: Jim’s been great. But I’m going to need to buy my dad a robe.
Andy: Jim and Pam are like, movie geniuses. They’re catching things that are totally going over my head.
Dwight(reading statement): “I state my regret.”
Phyllis: You almost killed Stanley. Dwight: Yeah right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise.
Dwight: Sign it! Sign it now!
Michael: My god, if you’re wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that, ohm …
Michael: That one makes me think of death. It’s kind of nice.
Michael: Racism is dead, Stanley.
Michael: Oscar? Would you reach over and touch his thing? That’s what he said!
Kevin: Michael, I think YOU’RE what’s stressing everybody out.
Michael: You never expect that you’re the killer. It’s a great twist. Great twist.
Michael: Those shoulder pads are really boss, man.
Michael: And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads.
Michael: But now ‘boss’ is just slang for ‘jerk in charge.’
Michael: Who here has the Comedy Central Roast Channel?
Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I’m going to try to make him cry.
Michael: I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Michael: Lower the mike for the midget!
Angela: If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott.
Angela: I don’t normally enjoy making people laugh.
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Michael: Nope. Friends only. Friends only!
Jim: The quote was “Cut off your nose to spider face.”
Dwight: You pathetic, short little man. You don’t have any friends or any family or any land!
Pam: If it were an iPod, it would be a Shuffle.
Andy: What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss …
Michael: And my thing isn’t tiny, it’s average, so …
Dwight: He’s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain.
Creed: What’s a text?
Sam: Lily! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
Pam: When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them.
Michael: Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom, roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom, roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys, you’re starting to look like one. Boom, roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom, roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom, roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Whoa, there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom, roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted. Oscar, you are… Oscar, you’re gay. Oscar: Wow. Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom, roasted. Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.