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Writer: Michael Schur, Director: Craig Zisk
Summary (NBC): Ryan returns to the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin to bring the company into the digital age. Angela is still upset about her cat. One-hour episode.
The Office Dunder Mifflin Infinity extras
The Office Dunder Mifflin Infinity rating
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The Office Dunder Mifflin Infinity quotes
Michael: Is this about me and Jan in my office?
Michael: What I think you should do, is roll up the memo, real tight …
Angela: For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity.
Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?
Michael: Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
Michael: Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love.
Michael: My heart soars with the eagle’s nest.
Dwight: I don’t see it. I think they both could do better.
Angela: It’s not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.
Andy: Guess who just became the best-looking single guy in the office?
Michael: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That’s what she said.
Pam: You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael: Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
Angela: I don’t want Garbage! I want Sprinkles!
Toby: So if it’s just a casual thing, there’s no need, really.
Toby: Let’s just wait and see what happens, you know.
Michael: All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sonny Crockett. I’m Tubbs.
Michael: Fire Guy — don’t start any fires, Ryan.
Michael: You are so mature and old and little man now.
Michael: I don’t swing that way.
Michael: I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, “Dude, we’re friends. I’m doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we’ll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.” His words.
Dwight: What if we don’t want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Andy: You should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together.
Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are, like, 100.
Creed: I’m telling you, this kid is the Grim Reaper.
Jim: Oh my god, this is going to make your brain explode.
Jim: We should have started dating, like, a long time ago.
Phyllis: I couldn’t see your hands.
Phyllis: It’s great that you’re dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a salesperson. You can’t base who gets new clients on who you’re sleeping with that week. Okay?
Jim: And … that is why we waited so long to tell people.
Ryan: We’re throwing out the entire playbook. We’re starting from scratch.
Ryan: Michael, I know exactly how much time and manpower are wasted in this branch.
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.
Kelly: I am dating a lot of guys. A lot. Black guys mostly.
Stanley: It’s too little! Use the phone.
Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.
Kelly: Oh big strong man. Fancy new whatever.
Kelly: I hope you’re still committed, because I’m pregnant. And guess what, buddy. I am keeping it.
Kelly: We have a date!
Dwight: Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side.
Ryan: So, elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Ryan: Scranton suits you.
Jan: Best decision I ever made.
Ryan: You were let go.
Jan: You know what? Love the beard. Keep it forever.
Michael: What is the actual deal, with these things in terms of testicles?
Michael: I don’t want to grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids.
Jan: He’s such a snake. I hope he gets hit with an ageism suit.
Creed: I’m 30. Well, in November I’ll be 30.
Michael: Still my office, Ryan.
Michael: New ideas are fine. But they are also illegal. Because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right.
Michael: Hey, shut up, Toby.
Michael: Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who’s this worthless bag of bones?
Michael: Still sends his own proxy. Good for you.
Michael: We have learned that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Because it’s illegal. And you will go to jail.
Ryan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
Angela: How’s your meat?
Dwight: Dry. Delicious.
Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight: Oh, that’s funny.
Angela: Yes. It was.
Angela: Every time I look in your eyes, I see Sprinkles’ stiff, lifeless body.
Dwight: Then don’t look in my eyes. Look right here. It’s an old sales trick.
Dwight: No, please don’t do this, monkey.
Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning.
Michael: That smells like good business to me.
Michael: I think he is forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attached to baskets of food.
Dwight: I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
Jim: I just have to ask, now that we’re public, um, is the magic gone?
Pam: I now find you … repulsive?
Michael: Ever since I was a kid, people have been telling me I can’t do things. You can’t be on the team. You can’t move on to second grade. Well, now they’re telling me I can’t win back clients using old-fashioned business methods. We’ll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade. And I was the biggest kid in class.
Michael: Why don’t we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship.
Michael: Gift baskets are the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can receive.
Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash?
Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work, Tuna.
Michael: Then godspeed. To both of us.
Michael: I would love to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.
Creed: Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.
Andy: Dude, you are so money. But you don’t even know it. But you do.
Kevin: How awesome is Ryan now?
Jim: Yeah. He’s definitely … something.
Andy: He has a killer job. He’s rich. He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like. He wears really cool rich guy clothes.
Kevin: And he can get any girl that he wants.
Andy: So sorry, Tuna, but if you don’t know why that’s awesome, then you need awesome lessons.
Michael: Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?
Pam: Yeah, I’m going to do some mock-ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some splash frames? I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I’m excited.
Michael: I have a few of my own that I want someday.
Michael: Don’t let Emily have any of the Cajun almonds. She’s allergic.
Dwight: This is the lake! This is the lake!
GPS: Make a u-turn. If possible.
Jim: I guess he can’t get any girl he wants.
Michael: Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?!
Dwight: Hand over the turtles now!
Dwight: We’ll bill you.
Michael: I just drove my car into a lake.
Michael: A machine told me to drive into a lake.
Michael: Those gift baskets never endangered anybody’s lives.
Michael: Game, set, match. Point. Scott. Game over. End of game.
Michael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me, the choice is easy.
Ryan: I’m not saying I had a meteoric rise. But I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn’t be giving me a noogie. It was $200.
Icon courtesy of pessimistreader.