The Office: Branch Wars, 4.10

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The Office

Writer: Mindy Kaling, Director: Joss Whedon

Summary (NBC): When Karen tries to woo Stanley away from Scranton, Michael fights back, dragging her ex, Jim, into his war. The existence of a “Finer Things Club” disturbs Dunder Mifflin’s calm. Directed by Joss Whedon.

The Office Branch Wars extras

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The Office Branch Wars quotes

Michael: Most of the time, I will be with Ryan. Or Darryl.

Stanley: I don’t understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.

Michael: You completely misinterpreted my tone.

Michael: Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.

Michael: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.

Michael: The smile. Those big, watery red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

Michael: Mo money, mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that.

Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say The Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Michael: Fillipellers, how they hangin’?

Michael: You may have Toby.

Michael: Toby is the worst. That was a bluff.

Michael: Do you like magic?

Michael: I’m going to grant you three wishes — to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.

Ben Nugent: Aren’t you the guy that hit the woman with your car?

Michael: Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We’re like Animal House.

Michael: We’re getting crapped on. Word is our branch sucks.

Michael: I have no words.

Dwight: I guess there’s no sales call today.

Jim: We’re going to Utica?

Jim: I’m not gonna go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.

Dwight: Yeah c’mon. It’ll be so badass.

Jim: So the deal was, Dwight doesn’t blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a mustache.

Michael: So why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?

Jim: Why don’t we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?

Michael: Dwight, are you peeing?

Dwight: Hey! You’re making me spray!

Dwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Andy: Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin’ delicious, Pam.

Andy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it’s where I need to be. The Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin’s band is my safety.

Andy: Why can’t I be in the club?

Michael: Afro wig? Do you want the Afro wig?

Jim: This is the dumbest thing we’ve ever done.

Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

Andy: I’m gonna miss you, man. You’ve been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old Uncle Remus.

Jim: You really don’t need to be updating me as much as you’re updating me.

Dwight: Hello, we’re warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Michael: I’m losing control of my bladder!

Michael: Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.

Michael: Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.

Michael: Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something. Host the Dundies.

Karen: Seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a lady’s warehouse uniform … felt pretty good.

Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael: Fly away, sweet little bird. Fly away and be free.

Michael: Pam, I’m going to need some help writing a want ad.

Michael: “Wanted. Middle-aged black man with sass. Big butt. Bigger heart.”

Stanley: How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things.

Jim: Angela’s Ashes. Top o’ the mornin’ to it. Frankie’s prose is finer than a pot of gold. Say I.

Icon courtesy of pessimistreader.