Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best? Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question … Jim: False. Black bear. Dwight: That’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought … Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Identify theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.
Stanley: I am upset. Don’t I sound upset?
Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. 500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.
Michael: Cry-Man Squaw, F and C, double time. Dwight: Cry-Man Squaw? Michael: Crisis Management Squad. Ryan: F and C, double time? Michael: Front and center, twice as fast as you would normally go.
Michael: I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed.
Creed: Every week, I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Michael: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at Threat Level Midnight.
Kelly: This day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, this day is bananas, B-A-N-A …
Angela: I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing.
Michael: No, sweet cheeks. We need somebody who’s actually made a sale.
Andy(cockney accent): William Doolittle at your service. AKA, Will Do. Jim: Yeah, I’m definitely going to go alone. Michael: No, no, I need two men on this. That’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!
Michael: Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference. Dwight: Yes! You’re entering The No-Spin Zone.
Michael: Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is to call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.
Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story? Michael: Here is your headline: “Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, Apologizes To Valued Client. Some Companies Still Know How Business Is Done.”
Creed: Who wasn’t there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday the eleventh. Perfect.
Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did … when I was a homeless man.
Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause. Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls. Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot. Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go? Kelly: Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, “Customer Service, this is Kelly,” except don’t say Kelly. Say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (British accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation. Kevin: Oooh, can I be … (awkward accent) Australian, mate? Kelly: Absolutely! Kevin: ‘ello … mate. Kelly: I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend. Kevin: I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-ga-tors, and dingo babies.
Andy: Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right?
Jim: I was thinking more like a CD … or a CD?
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.
Andy: Sometimes it’s just about the music of a conversation.
Andy: Why is my girlfriend here?
Dwight: First rule in roadside beet sales: the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, “wow, I need this beet right now.” Those are the money beets.
Dwight: You’ve been granted level 3 security clearance. Don’t get too excited, that’s out of 20.
Andy: I had no idea. Jim: Well … that’s not going to hold up in court. Andy: We didn’t do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Angela: Excuse me? Well I don’t see how that’s our fault. And I’ve already told you the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic. So I don’t know what you want from me.
Kelly: … you have so many good qualities, that the one you might want to work on is … apologizing?
Michael: Mrs. Allen is our most important client. Because every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really.
Andy: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker? Jim: Not important. Because you’re not dating her. Because it’s a felony.
Andy: One of your students is a bitch. Jim: Andy is having a real rough day today. Andy: I want to take out an ad in your yearbook. Full page, two words. Jim: “Good luck.” Jim: That’s not what I had in mind.
Angela: It was an unfortunate error. We’re fixing it.
Angela: I think he had Tourette’s or something.
Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual; both animals were smiling.
Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Mrs. Allen: I’m calling the Better Business Bureau! Michael: Yeah, well, I’m calling the Ungrateful Bee-yotch Hotline!
Pam: It’s just the Scranton Times. Michael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. And then YouTube gets a hold of it.
Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman’s touch.
Michael: Hello, I am Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. By now, you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Miffliin and our embarrassing watermark boner.
Kevin: Yeah, well at least I didn’t suck at customer relations.
Kevin: Ooh. Yes. Facial.
Angela: You two are apes.
Angela: I’m sorry. That you’re both morons.
Michael: If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn’t me. They are trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to god, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day. Pam: One day for what? Michael: That’s — they always give an ultimatum.
Pam: That was your best apology video ever.
Creed: Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It’s tragic. Just tragic.
Dwight: Pam. Pam: Hey Dwight. You look really nice today. Dwight (scoffing): I look like an idiot. Hey, Karen. Karen: Hey, Dwight. Lookin’ sharp! Dwight: Yeah, that’s ’cause I’m your boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse ’cause you’re my girlfriend? Jim: Do you? Karen: No. Jim: Okay. Karen: I’m good. Thanks. Jim: Look at that. Dwight: I’m Jim Halpert. Jim: Spot on. Dwight: Bleah bleah, a little comment.
Written on the second cue card of the second take of Michael’s apology video: I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for the gas. Gas prices are high and I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn’t even me. It’s so not fair that they want me to resign.